


Through A Portal, Darkly

by Shadow_Side



Series: The Eye And The Aperture [3]
Category: Portal (Video Game), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crossover, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 20:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Side/pseuds/Shadow_Side
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a sandstorm on top of Night Vale and a man who looks just like Cecil loose in the Aperture facility. Things go downhill from there…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through A Portal, Darkly

**Author's Note:**

> Shush. Trilogies are the new black, and it's time for Strex to wheel out the big guns. Plus you can never have too much fun with alternate doubles.
> 
> Many thanks once again to Davechicken for the beta, for naming the teslonium, and for the awesome banner.

_"The moon may watch you sleep, but the stars watch you during the day, hidden by the light of the sun so you never know they are there… Welcome to Night Vale."_

_"Our top story: today marks the beginning of Night Vale Cookery Week. Citizens all across town will be breaking out their pots and pans and making some of our favourite delicacies, from invisible pie to walnut blade surprise, and everything in between. Of course, the continuing ban on wheat and wheat by-products will make this year's Cookery Week somewhat more challenging than it has been in the past, but no doubt the people of Night Vale will rise to the occasion, as they always do, and as is legally mandated by order of the City Council. I myself spent much of this morning baking a cake I saw in a dream two nights ago, using only the finest gluten-free ingredients. Carlos – my beautiful, perfect Carlos – said the design of it alarmed him somewhat, though he wasn't sure why. He said he would look into it in between trying to analyse a new element that the scientists found out in the desert just last week. I took a photo of the cake and I have asked Intern Sunita to post it to my Facebook wall. Does it alarm you? Log in and take a look. You might even be able to help the furtherance of science!"_

_"And now… a word from our sponsor. A mountain shadows the world, vast and ceaseless, hiding all of existence from whatever unseen deity lurks behind it, watching and vengeful. The mountain cracks, water and blood pouring from the gash that splits its side, gushing down towards the world but never quite seeming to reach it. Sunlight glows beyond the crack, impossible and yet still there nonetheless; a light that dims and grows like the beating of a mighty heart. The silence is awesome and terrifying until it is broken by words that resonate in the skull of the listener like a jar full of rocks… Night Vale Cineplex: don't download it illegally; sneak in through one of our non-health-and-safety-compliant fire doors and watch it for free… on the big screen!"_

Cecil hits a button on the control panel and they go to a pre-recorded commercial break. Sitting back, he has a sip of coffee – the new machine really is working out well, and seems much less carnivorous than the last one – and then pulls out his phone, flicking through the responses to the cake picture on his Facebook wall. Most are pretty normal, but there's one that reads, simply _'the cake is a lie.'_

And it's from _Steve Carlsberg_. Trust a man like Steve Carlsberg to take something so pure and joyous as Cookery Week and turn it into more of his anti-government propaganda! Cecil scowls, putting the phone down and checking how much time he's got before he goes live again. Maybe long enough to compose a brief editorial on the misuse of Facebook by local anarchists hell-bent on the destruction of all civic responsibility?

He's dragged from his thoughts as the door to the recording booth opens and Intern Sunita steps in. "Hey, Cecil, you should probably take a look at this."

"What is it?" he asks, brightening – glad for the interruption.

"It's a weather warning. Just came in from the Night Vale Meteorological Institute. Apparently… they're predicting another sandstorm."

Even the word fills Cecil with sudden worry, and flashes of memory that won't fade. "When?" he asks, at once.

"Tonight," Sunita tells him, handing over the sheet of paper she's carrying. "Take a look."

Cecil scans over the typed words, feeling the worry grow more and more. "I'd better open the next section with this," he says. "Thanks, Sunita."

"No problem."

As the door closes again, Cecil reads the sheet of paper a second time. This is not good news. Not good news at all. He waits until the commercial segment concludes, and then goes live once more.

_"This just in from the Night Vale Meteorological Institute… we're getting word that a massive sandstorm is moving towards the city. Representatives from the NVMI are predicting that this will be the largest sandstorm to hit Night Vale since the infamous Doppelganger Storm earlier this year. Residents are advised to return to their homes by mid-afternoon and ensure all family members, pets and government-issue tracking drones are safely indoors before sunset. Furthermore…"_

The door to the recording booth opens again, and Intern Sunita appears, waving another piece of paper.

_"…Hold on one moment, listeners – the door to my recording booth has just opened and Intern Sunita is handing me a message from the City Council. This… thank you, Sunita… oh, listeners, this is unexpected… The message reads:_ 'The City Council would like to inform all citizens of Night Vale that the sandstorm bearing down on us is not – we repeat, _not_ – the result of our regular cloud-seeding experiments. This sandstorm is not part of any planned weather patterns and we outright deny any involvement in its creation. Furthermore, we have received word from the World Government – via the usual channels involving the sacrifice of goats at midnight – that they also bear no responsibility whatsoever for the upcoming storm. All citizens are strongly advised to follow the advice of the Meteorological Institute and return to their homes imminently, as this unplanned weather event will have consequences that have not been foreseen or intended by any authorised body.' _"_

_"And now, traffic…"_

***

It's mid-afternoon by the time Cecil clicks over to the weather – which seems strangely pointless given how much talk there has already been about the impending sandstorm, but it's important not to let the forces of nature interfere with the rhythms of life any more than they already do.

As he sits back, he pulls out his phone again, seeing that he's got a text from Carlos. _'Hey you,'_ it reads. _'Can I come round to your place tonight? Don't like the sound of this sandstorm – not after last time. Plus I want to get another look at that cake.'_

_'Sounds great,'_ he texts in reply. _'Shall I pick you up when I'm done here, or are you driving over?'_

The response comes through after a moment. _'Pick me up? I had a little… incident with my car.'_

_'Oh?'_ he replies.

It's a slightly longer moment before the next response appears. _'Don't ask. Suffice it to say… this new element doesn't like being driven.'_

Cecil grins. _'Unlike you,'_ he texts back. _'I'll be over soon.'_

***

The sandstorm is already starting to build as they finish dinner – Cecil hovering worriedly at the window and casting regular glances out at it through the falling darkness whilst he does the washing up. When he's done, he looks outside one last time and then lets the blind drop – deciding maybe it's better not to think about it – and then turns, to find Carlos standing at the kitchen table, staring suspiciously at the cake sitting in the centre of it.

Said cake – which seems to have become something of an internet sensation since Intern Sunita posted it to Cecil's Facebook wall earlier in the day – rests silent and innocent in the centre of the circular table, casting a soft shadow on the wood from the lights overhead. It's an appealing chocolate-brown, coated in flaked almonds and decorated with a ring of cream swirls, each with a single red cherry set into it.

"Still unnerved by it?" Cecil asks, head on one side.

Carlos glances over at him, the words pulling him from his culinary reverie. "Yeah, kind of, though I really don't know why. It just seems… ominous, somehow. You say you saw it in a dream?"

"Two nights ago," Cecil replies. "It was a very normal dream, though. You know… hooded figures and chanting, that sort of thing. And at the end of it, I saw a cake just like this, sitting on a rock out in the desert. It seemed such an appropriate dream for Cookery Week, so I simply had to bake it."

He paces over, sliding an arm around Carlos' waist and leaning to whisper in his ear. "It's delicious. And really not a lie. You want some?"

"…Yes," Carlos answers, and then gives a serious little nod, whilst trying not to grin. "For science."

"Of course," Cecil agrees. "For science."

***

So they have cake, and it is – indeed – delicious. The sandstorm rages louder outside, but Cecil feels calmer now, curled up in his apartment with Carlos close by. They sit and watch a double-bill of _CSI_ , which is always entertaining because of Carlos' running commentary on how wrong the science is (he's just so smart). By the end of the second episode, Carlos is lying with his head in Cecil's lap, muttering something about how pixels don't _do_ that, even as the credits start to play.

"…Sounds awful out there, doesn't it?" Cecil remarks.

"Yeah," Carlos agrees, rolling onto his back and looking up at his boyfriend. "At least there don't seem to be any bizarre doppelgangers this time, though. That was _weird_."

"…It was," Cecil replies. "Although… you know I didn't have one? Not… not properly, at least." Best not to think about… _him_.

"I know. I didn't have one at all. But given that most people ended up fighting their doppelganger _to the death_ , I'm not complaining."

"Me neither," Cecil says.

"Although…" Carlos goes on, slightly dreamy, "if it _wasn't_ to the death… I could totally go for watching you fight your double in a ring of fire, all shirtless and shouty…"

Cecil grins down at him, clicking the TV off without even looking at the remote. "Maybe I should take you to bed before you start getting any more terribly _scientific_ ideas..?"

"Yeah," Carlos agrees, with a happy little shiver. "Maybe you should."

He clambers to his feet and pulls Cecil upright too, tugging him in close to kiss him deep and loving, hands stroking across his shoulders. "Hmm," Cecil murmurs, as the kiss breaks, "maybe we should ask the City Council to arrange some more secret sandstorms, if it makes you like this…"

Carlos' eyes sparkle with mischief, as they back slowly towards the door to the bedroom, hands still all over each other. "Who's to say I didn't arrange this one myself?"

"You can do that?" Cecil asks.

"My powers of science are wide-ranging and awesome beyond comprehension."

Cecil grins. "Indeed they are," he agrees, pushing Carlos up against the doorframe and leaning in to kiss him again. He feels so warm and wonderful; so bright and safe and like _home_ , and just being with him makes all the worries of the day melt into nothingness.

They slide sideways into the bedroom, and Cecil is just about to throw Carlos back on the bed and climb on top of him when he realises that something isn't quite right. They both stop where they are, hands still on each other but turning to look at the bed they've been heading towards, because, sitting in the middle of it, is the Companion Cube.

"…Did you leave that there?" Carlos asks.

"No," Cecil replies. "I usually keep it in the closet. Sometimes I let it out when I'm home alone and want the company, but mostly it's happy hiding away."

"So… how did it get out?"

"Good question."

"Has this ever happened before?"

"Not that I know of."

They stare at the Companion Cube some more. Everything about it seems perfectly normal – apart from the fact that it has somehow gotten itself out of the closet and up onto the bed. Which, for an inert cube, is really not normal at all.

"You think… we should be worried?" Cecil now asks.

It's a little hard not to be, if truth be told. It's only been just over two weeks since their last experience in the Aperture facility – and Cecil still can't mention the Dog Park without shuddering. He'd hoped that the defeat of the operatives from Strex Corp and the new – if tentative – alliance between GLaDOS and Chell might signal the end of the whole affair, but right now, staring at the Companion Cube sitting inexplicably in the middle of his bed, it's tricky to imagine this as not being significant.

Although… at the same time, it's hard to deny that their experiences in Aperture were rather fun, in a weird way.

"…I'd say so," Carlos answers.

Cecil is just about to ask what Carlos thinks they should do when a voice cuts the air – a voice that is most definitely neither of them. _"I love you,"_ it says, soft and high-pitched, and weirdly genderless – a little like the Aperture turrets, if a lot less malevolent.

"…Please tell me you heard that?" Cecil asks, very softly.

Carlos looks at him. "…Yeah, I did," he answers, cautiously. "What was it?"

_"It was me!"_ says the little voice.

They stare at each other… and then at the Companion Cube. For a moment, Cecil hesitates, and then he steps up to the bed, reaching to lay a hand on the cube's surface, over one of the little pink hearts.

It _giggles_ , making Cecil jump back, glancing over at Carlos in shock. _"That tickles!"_ it exclaims.

"…It's talking to you," Carlos manages. "The Companion Cube is actually _talking_ to you."

"You… talk?" Cecil asks it.

_"Sometimes I do,"_ the Companion Cube says. _"If I need to."_

"You need to now?"

_"Yes!"_

"…Why?" This seems to be the crucial question.

There's a brief pause, as if the cube is considering how to respond… or if it should. And then, in a softer voice that's almost like a whisper, it says, _"…Danger."_

Cecil and Carlos exchange a worried look. "Danger?" Cecil repeats.

_"Danger!"_ the cube says again. _"Bad, bad things are coming!"_

"What things?" Carlos asks.

_"Broken mirrors and the source of all darkness!"_ the cube squeaks, sounding almost nervous itself now. _"I had to protect you. I had to save you. So… I made you a sandstorm, to hold them off."_

"Wait… the sandstorm was _you_?" Cecil exclaims. "How did you even do that?"

_"I did it because I could!"_ the cube insists, not elaborating further. _"To help you. To save you! To give you time…"_

"Time?" Cecil repeats, giving Carlos another nervous glance.

_"Time!"_ the cube says, again. _"Time for cake! And time… for the call… oh… oh! Ring ring!"_

And before Cecil or Carlos can question this latest statement… the phone starts to ring.

"OK, that's… weird," Cecil says.

"…The Companion Cube is _talking to us_ and _this_ is what you call weird?" Carlos exclaims.

"…Good point," Cecil concedes, for once.

They step back into the living room and Cecil picks up the phone handset, clicking it on. "Hello?" he says, carefully.

There's a brief pause and a crackle, and then, "…Hello?" comes the reply. "Cecil? Is that you?"

Cecil lowers the handset and stares at it, stunned… because the voice on the other end is, unmistakeably, GLaDOS. Carlos looks at him, mouthing the words, "Who is it?" and Cecil clicks the phone onto speaker so they can both hear.

"…GLaDOS?" he answers. "Are you… calling me on the phone?"

"Yes," she replies, flatly – her voice sounding strange when coming from such a precise and confined source. "Believe me, I'm not pleased about it, but there was no other way."

"You could have texted?" he suggests.

"I don't have thumbs," she answers. "Now be quiet and pay attention. I have a problem, and luckily for me, it's also a problem for you. It's quite a big problem, though, so I may even rescind my threat to deadly-laser you and drop the remaining molecules in a pit of fire if you ever came near the Enrichment Centre again."

"…You may?"

GLaDOS sighs, tetchily. "…I will. Fine. I've said it, are you happy? Now listen. There's a man in my facility."

"A man?"

"Yes."

"…Did you try dropping him in a pit of fire?" Cecil asks, before he can stop himself – and getting him something of a look from Carlos in response.

"Of course," GLaDOS insists. "I haven't completely lost my touch, and I was being extra-careful because of all the trouble you and your alleged scientist of a boyfriend have caused me, so…–"

"Hey!" Carlos cuts in – before Cecil can rise to his defence. "I'm an _actual_ scientist, thank you very much!"

"Oh, you're there too," says GLaDOS, flatly. "What a surprise. Well. Good. At least this way I won't have to explain myself twice. Now… this man in my facility? I dropped him in a pit of fire. As soon as he came in through the door."

"And… it didn't help?" Cecil asks.

"No," GLaDOS replies. "He appears to be completely immune to it. Just stood there in the midst of the fire and stared at it with this _creepy_ smile on his face. He's also immune to deadly lasers and fast enough to evade the spike plates." She sighs. "Look. He's a pain, all right? Even Chell can't work out what to do about him."

"She's still with you?" Cecil says, with a little smile.

"…When she's not _running off_ and _interfering_ with things," GLaDOS answers.

"Hey, that was for _science_!" comes a voice in the background. Chell.

"You irradiated an entire wing!" GLaDOS retorts.

"For _science_!" Chell repeats.

" _Shush_!" GLaDOS hisses. "I'm on the phone!"

Carlos facepalms. "Can this get any weirder?"

"Be careful what you wish for, alleged scientist," GLaDOS says. "Because, yes, it can."

"How?" Cecil asks.

As much as GLaDOS is evidently worried by what's going on, it's hard to hide the flicker of excitement in her tone as she gets to the point of this wholly unexpected call. "The man currently wandering about in my facility?" she says. "He looks just like you, Cecil."

"And you tried to _drop him in fire_?!" Carlos exclaims at once, outraged.

"Did I or did I not threaten to do _just that_ if you ever came back?" says GLaDOS flatly.

"Even so!" Carlos replies. "You could have tried talking first!"

"Well, I did that _after_ he turned out to be fire-proof!" GLaDOS insists.

But whilst the two of them are bickering away, Cecil just stands, staring at the phone in horror. After a second, Carlos catches his expression and freezes, concern flooding his own eyes. "What is it?" he asks.

"He… he looks just like me?" Cecil manages.

"He does," GLaDOS answers. "But he doesn't sound like you."

Carlos seems to have caught on, realisation pushing through the outrage, and he looks at Cecil in renewed worry.

"Oh masters of us all…" Cecil breathes. "It's… _him_. My… double."

"Clearly," says GLaDOS, sounding unimpressed.

Cecil shakes his head, even though GLaDOS can't see. "No… you don't understand… if he's there, if he's… if he's _here_ … we're all in danger."

"Define 'danger,'" GLaDOS insists.

But Cecil, for once, is lost for words… and it falls to Carlos to answer. "The Black Mesa kind of danger."

"…Ah," GLaDOS says. "He has some connection to them?"

"He's… from Desert Bluffs," Cecil manages, moving to grip Carlos' hand to remind himself that there is still some good left in the world.

"Desert Bluffs?" GLaDOS repeats, confused.

"It's the town further over," Carlos explains. "It's where Strex Corp is based."

"…Oh _great_ ," GLaDOS says. "So those maniacs you let into my facility have sent the big guns?"

"No, not exactly," Cecil replies. "My double doesn't work for Strex… well, not directly. He's a radio broadcaster. Like me."

GLaDOS sighs. "Figures. The guy does _not_ shut up. He's also on his own, which was something of a warning sign because _you two_ are practically _glued_ to each other."

Both men seem about to protest, but then they look at each other, shrug, and don't argue. Besides… they have a bigger problem.

"So… let me get this straight," Carlos says. "Cecil's double has come to Night Vale and gotten into your facility, and you want… what, exactly?"

GLaDOS doesn't answer, but there's some hissing in the background that suggests she might be talking to Chell. The words 'arrogant' and 'you're _always_ like this' and 'just _ask_ them already!' filter through, and finally GLaDOS sighs.

"…Maybe come help?" she says, quiet and quick, as if she doesn't really want them to hear.

"No pits of fire?" Carlos asks, flatly.

"…No pits of fire."

"Or deadly lasers?"

"…Fine. Fine. No deadly lasers."

"Or… what did you call them? Mashy spike plates?"

"None of those either! Now would you just hurry up? I don't have all night!" There's some more muttering and hissing in the background, and then GLaDOS adds, _very_ sullenly, "…please?"

"All right," Carlos answers – because Cecil is still uncharacteristically lost for words. "Tell us where we can get in."

"Just go out into the desert, north of your town," GLaDOS replies. "I'll find you."

And she hangs up… or however a sentient AI ends a phone call. As the silence sets in, Carlos looks at Cecil, still gripping his hand, eyes full of worry. "Are you OK?" he asks.

Cecil takes a deep breath and then looks back at Carlos, trying to focus. "…No," he replies, finally. "But we can't let that stop us. If… if _he_ is here… we have to do something before it's too late."

Carlos pulls him in closer, and Cecil lets himself relax into the embrace, sliding his arms around his boyfriend and holding on. "What about the sandstorm?" Cecil now asks. "We can't go out in it. Not until it dies down."

_"I can help!"_ squeaks a little voice from the bedroom.

Letting go of each other, they walk back through the door, staring at where the Companion Cube still sits.

"You can?" Cecil asks it.

_"Yes!"_ the cube insists. _"I made the pretty storm! Made it to save you!"_

"From what?" Cecil asks. "You said there was danger, but… what danger?"

And as the cube replies, it does so in a softer tone, as if trying to lower its voice. _"…No helicopters in the sand,"_ it says.

Cecil and Carlos exchange another worried look. "We need to go out there," Cecil tells the cube. "Even though there's danger. Can you… make the storm stop?"

_"Danger!"_ the cube squeaks. _"Bad, bad danger! But… I can make you a bubble…"_

"A bubble?" Carlos repeats.

_"A bubble!"_ the cube says again. _"A little bubble of no sand, to keep you safe."_

"How?" Cecil asks.

_"I am your Companion Cube!"_ comes the reply. _"Take me with you!"_

They exchange another look. "You think we should do this?" Carlos says.

"No choice," Cecil replies. "If he's here… we have to stop him."

Carlos nods. "All right. Then I think we should take the portal emitters. I reckon they should be back to normal by now. It took a while to get all the temporal energy out of them, and I can't _guarantee_ that exposure to all those paradoxes hasn't had a lasting effect, but… it's worth the risk."

"Then we'll go by your place and pick them up," Cecil agrees. "And then… into the desert."

Moments later, ready to go, they cautiously open the front door – Companion Cube in hand – and, as promised, a little pocket of stillness forms around them, moving as they do, as though they were indeed inside a bubble that the sand can't penetrate. They look at each other in surprise.

"…OK, this is weird," Carlos remarks, as they make their way over to Cecil's car.

"Yeah, it is," Cecil has to agree.

They get into the car, putting the Companion Cube on the back seat, and watching as the bubble expands just enough to encompass the whole car.

And then, they set off… out into the sandstorm.

***

It isn't an easy drive, given that the visibility is next to nothing, but at least there are no other cars on the road as they go. The sandstorm roars all around them, kept at bay by the Companion Cube's weird little bubble, forming a tiny oasis of calm amidst the turbulent darkness.

They swing by Carlos' lab, taking a portal emitter each, and then quickly head out again, back into the night.

"You've never really talked about what happened during the last big sandstorm," Carlos points out, carefully, after Cecil has been tellingly quiet for several minutes. "You know, the… Doppelganger Storm. I mean, I heard your broadcast that day – pretty much everyone did – but… you never really said what you found on the other side of that vortex. Just… just that it was awful, and that you encountered a terrible man who tried to kill you. Was that… was that him?"

Cecil nods. He can talk about pretty much anything – and doubly-so when it's with Carlos. Anything… but this. And now he has no choice; not when they're hurtling through the dark and out into the desert, towards an inevitable meeting with… with…

"It was… hell," he whispers. "I didn't realise it was Desert Bluffs at the time, not… not really. But now I know. Now I know, and I tell you, Carlos… love of my life… you do not want to go there. Ever. No matter what."

Carlos reaches over and grips his shoulder. "It's going to be all right," he says. "I promise you. It's going to be all right. And this time, whatever happens… you don't have to face it alone."

Cecil puts his hand up, resting it over Carlos'. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he whispers.

"And you'll never have to find out," Carlos replies. "Now… let's choose ourselves a random spot in the desert to attract GLaDOS' attention. You can bet it's going to look exactly like the place you saw in your dream. With the cake."

"Oh… you think so?"

"Cecil… after everything that's happened in the last few weeks… I'd expect nothing else."

***

They head north out of Night Vale on Route 800, eventually taking one of the dirt tracks leading into the open desert. After a little while, solely on a whim, Cecil pulls the car to a halt.

Carlos looks at him. "Here?" he asks, not even questioning the choice.

"Here," Cecil says.

He glances back at the Companion Cube. "Should we take you too?" he asks.

_"No!"_ the cube insists. _"Need to stay! Need to make sure no helicopters come!"_

With this ominous warning still hanging over them, they leave the cube in the car and clamber out. The protective bubble has expanded to include a small section of the desert, in which is a very familiar-looking rock – exactly like the one in Cecil's dream – and a lone metal shack that surely wasn't there a moment ago.

"I think I'm getting the hang of this place," Carlos mutters, with a wry smile. "Is that it?"

Cecil nods. "Yes. Yes, that's it. And there's our way in."

Staying close together, they walk up to the metal shack. It's like the others they've used to get into Aperture, but there's no blinking light this time and a number of warning signs have been added to the door, which seem to show stick figures being dropped into fire and shot with lasers.

"I think she's getting paranoid," Carlos remarks.

"Understandable, really," Cecil says.

Carlos gestures at the door. "I'm not even going to try. You go for it."

So Cecil reaches out… and, sure enough, the door clicks easily open as soon as he grasps the handle. Beyond it is another of those dark staircases, leading down.

"Ah," comes GLaDOS' voice. "There you are. Took your time, didn't you?"

"Do you _see_ the sandstorm?" Carlos replies, gesturing out at it.

"Well, that's what you get for _absconding_ with an Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube," GLaDOS replies. "I did tell you not to encourage it. Although… this is the first time I've encountered one that could manipulate the weather. I think perhaps your weird little town has had an effect on it. You should probably watch out for that, if you intend to keep fraternising with the thing."

"We'll bear that in mind," Cecil says. "Now, is… _he_ still here?"

"Oh yes," GLaDOS answers. "Close by, too. He's in a bit of a mood because I decided to try the neurotoxin on him."

"No joy?" Cecil asks.

"No joy," GLaDOS repeats. "He's even more annoying than the two of you combined, and that's really saying something, believe me. So… just do something about him?"

"No pits of fire?" Carlos pushes, still looking suspicious.

"No pits of fire," GLaDOS promises.

"Or deadly lasers?"

"Or anything! Just get on with it!"

The concern in her voice is a motivation all of its own. Cecil looks at Carlos, taking a deep breath. "Let's do this," he says. "For Night Vale."

"For Night Vale," Carlos echoes and, together, they set off down the dark stairs.

***

The corridors of Aperture are starting to become a familiar place, Cecil thinks, as they head along them and through several empty chambers. Carlos stays close to him as they walk, and he's glad of the reassurance. Glad to be able to remember, every time he thinks about what's coming, that he doesn't have to face it alone.

Eventually they reach a door that doesn't open straight away. "He's in here," GLaDOS tells them. "Please try not to destroy all of reality this time."

"Hey, that wasn't our fault!" Carlos insists.

"It was _partly_ your fault," GLaDOS replies. "Now… go make nice with the maniac."

And before either of them can speak, she opens the door.

The room beyond is evidently a simple test chamber, with a couple of buttons – one on a raised ledge – and a corresponding pair of regular cubes. Wandering around close to the lower button is a man… and the mere sight of him makes Cecil's step falter for a second, before he takes a deep breath and steels himself for the inevitable.

The man in the room looks exactly like Cecil – same height, same build, same facial features. He's even dressed similarly, if in helpfully alternative colours, but everything about him is still like staring into a mirror… at least until he glances over at them. Because his eyes… are different. No living soul should have eyes like that.

"Well, hi there," says the man, brightly, smiling at them – and at least his voice is noticeably dissimilar. "I wondered if you'd turn up… hoped, really. We didn't exactly get much of a chance to talk last time, did we?" He walks closer, giving them a little wave. "I'm Kevin. You must be Cecil."

Everything about him is so warm and cheery and disarming… apart from those eyes. Nothing about those eyes is warm, or cheery, or disarming. Quite the opposite.

"That's right," Cecil answers, carefully. "You know who I am?"

"Oh, sure," Kevin replies. "The boys from Strex Corp told me all about you when I agreed to come out here. I mean, I'd do it just for my Desert Bluffs, don't get me wrong… but I must say, the chance to meet you properly just sweetened the deal all the more."

He headtilts just over Cecil's shoulder, raising his eyebrows with a little grin. "Who's your friend? Is this… the mysterious Carlos?"

"Yes," Carlos answers, obviously trying to keep his voice level.

"Oh my," Kevin says. "You certainly are quite a looker." He starts to pace closer, making Cecil step in between them defensively. "Whoa, cool it there, Cecil. I was just being friendly."

"Well, be _less_ friendly," Cecil replies. "Especially with _my_ boyfriend."

Kevin claps a hand over his heart. "So you _are_ a couple! Oh, I'd so hoped you were, that's just _adorable_."

"…Wow, you really are annoying," GLaDOS chips in, the resignation in her voice very much unhidden. "And I thought these two were bad."

"You know, you could try being a little nicer to people," Kevin says, glancing up at the ceiling. "No wonder this place is so quiet. I bet you don't get many visitors."

"More than I'd like, actually," GLaDOS replies. "Especially of late. I used to have lots of test subjects, but they all… well. Died."

Kevin gives a wry little look. "Fire, lasers, neurotoxin or the spiky plates?"

"Yes," is GLaDOS' only, rather ominous answer.

"I think we should be careful of her," Kevin says to Cecil and Carlos, dropping his voice to a whisper. "She's been trying all sorts of things since I got here."

"Why _are_ you here?" Cecil asks, going for broke.

"Now, Cecil, you don't expect me to give everything away right from the start?" Kevin replies. "Oh… go on then, maybe a little. But only because it's you! I'm here on a _very_ special mission on behalf of Strex Corp Synernists Incorporated and their primary stakeholders, Black Mesa."

"A special mission?" Carlos repeats, making Kevin flash him a very unsubtle grin.

"Yes indeed. For many years now, Black Mesa has been working on a project on behalf of Strex Corp. A _very_ special project. They completed it some time ago, but one thing was missing. The power source."

Carlos facepalms. "…It's not a miniature star, is it?"

"Oh, you _are_ a smart one!" Kevin exclaims. "Yes, it's a miniature star… or it was supposed to be. Aperture's Industrial Espionage Division stole the Star Seed – which is made from some _extremely rare_ pre-requisites – from Black Mesa a number of years ago and Black Mesa was never able to track it down… at least until a freak event caused the Black Mesa facility to suddenly appear underneath Desert Bluffs."

"…Wait," Cecil cuts in. "There's a Black Mesa facility underneath Desert Bluffs now?"

"Indeed there is," says Kevin, brightly. "Been there at least six weeks. I found it on one of my trips out into the desert for… oh, the usual minor rituals."

"…I don't want to know," says Cecil, with a shudder.

Kevin just waves a hand, cheery expression only getting brighter. "I'm sure you have the same sort of thing here," he says, offhand. "You Night Vale people are so industrious. Anyways, now that Black Mesa's facility is located in the same town as Strex Corp, they've been able to increase their collaboration _quite_ considerably. Especially when they realised that _Aperture's_ facility was now under Night Vale. Isn't that so weird?"

"I think maybe it was caused by the same thing..?" Carlos suggests.

"You really are smart," Kevin replies, wistfully – and giving Carlos something of a come-hither look that causes Cecil to start thinking about pits of fire. "So there you have it! With Aperture and Black Mesa now only one town apart, they were finally able to re-start the programme they were working on for Strex. Until… the star." His expression darkens just a little, which has the effect of making Cecil's blood go cold. "Which you destroyed, and then created, locking it into an _awkward_ little paradox. And that was clever, oh yes, but it does make things somewhat more _difficult_ now. You see…–"

"…You monologue worse than I do," GLaDOS cuts in. "Could you maybe get to the point?"

Kevin gives a little headshake. "You seriously need to work on your people skills," he says, with a genuinely-concerned edge to his tone that's just outright unsettling. "Strex has this really _great_ programme for that. I've been on it three times!"

"I'm busy," GLaDOS says, flatly. "I'm really very busy. All of the time. With science."

Kevin shrugs. "Your loss, my friend. Now, where was I? Oh, you," he adds, giving Cecil a wave and a little grin. "You and your Night Vale people, distracting me when I'm in the middle of my exposition. And I'm just getting to the good part, too! You see… when the Black Mesa facility got moved under Desert Bluffs, something weird happened to it. Our town and your town… they're sort of like mirrors, aren't they?"

"Dark, warped mirrors," Cecil mutters, but Kevin is on a roll and doesn't seem to notice.

"So when Black Mesa appeared under Desert Bluffs, it became a mirror of Aperture," Kevin goes on. "And though we're not sure, we think that as a result, somewhere deep inside the Black Mesa facility… there's another Star Seed."

"Oh no," Carlos says.

"Oh yes!" Kevin replies, painfully bright again. "There's just one tiny problem."

"Which is?" Cecil asks.

"Well… now that the Black Mesa facility is Aperture's double, so to speak… the guys from Strex… oh, this is just _embarrassing_! They can't work out how to get deep enough into the facility. Which… is where you come in. They asked me to come and pick you up. The sandstorm _very_ inconveniently prevented them sending the helicopters, and it's so bad that I couldn't even get through to your apartment. So… I found my way down here, instead. I was convinced that would lure you out… and I was right, isn't that awesome? And now… you can come with me."

"No," Cecil says, flatly. "Under _no_ circumstances are we going to _Desert Bluffs_ to help you make another of those dangerous miniature stars for _sinister_ purposes."

"Awww, Cecil," Kevin replies, head on one side, as if vaguely hurt. "I'm real sorry to tell you this, but… you don't have a choice."

He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pair of long, thin crystals; one purple, one gold. Tapping them together – and creating a somewhat unearthly _ching_ sound – he starts to chant softly.

"Oh… that's Unmodified Sumerian!" Cecil exclaims, before he can stop himself. "He's saying, uh… _'spirits of the dark realms, hear my plea…'_ and, hmm… oh, something about a doorway…"

"We should maybe run!" Carlos says, grabbing Cecil's arm and pulling him back towards the door they came in through… but it's shut. "GLaDOS! Let us out!"

"Don't you think I'm trying?!" she retorts. "You let that maniac perform _more_ ancient black magics in my facility and you think it won't have _side-effects_?"

"You… uh… might want to hurry," Cecil adds, now backing further towards the door whilst trying to stay between Kevin and Carlos. "He just said something about the _'inverted world'_ and I don't even want to know what that… oh no!"

All of a sudden, there's a burst of light from the pair of crystals and Kevin turns, drawing a circle in midair: a circle that glows and blazes into existence, like a portal but without needing a wall, its light glittering in his eyes and making them all the more terrifying. A rushing fills the air, and an echo like the ripples of a thousand distant sandstorms layered one on the other.

"Oh, not _again_ ," GLaDOS exclaims.

Then the portal collapses into a swirling vortex, lifting all three of them off their feet and dragging them in before anyone can reply. Reality blurs into a haze of colour and darkness and then melts away altogether…

***

Cecil wakes up on a cold, metal floor. Sitting quickly upright, he stares around, feeling a rush of fear followed by relief when he sees that Carlos is at his side. He reaches out, helping the other man sit up too, and then wrapping both arms around him.

"Where are we?" he whispers.

"I don't know," Carlos whispers back.

"Oh, you two are just the _cutest_!" comes Kevin's voice. They both look over to the side and see him standing a little way off, watching them. "I drag you through a Sumerian Crystal Gate – which is just _so_ difficult to do, by the way, I hope you're impressed – and your first reaction is to grab hold of each other. Why oh why are the good ones always taken?"

"Because they're the _good ones_ ," Cecil replies, unable to hold back a glare in Kevin's direction before he turns to scramble to his feet, helping Carlos up too – and immediately stepping between him and Kevin again. "Now… where are we?"

"Hello," says a voice that comes from above – a slightly robotic, female voice somehow reminiscent of GLaDOS, but… worse. "Welcome to the Black Mesa Augmentation Centre."

Kevin grins. "That's DORiS," he explains. "Direct Operating Regulator in Science," he adds, with an I'm-being-helpful little wave. "Black Mesa's AI."

"Black Mesa have their own AI?" Carlos says.

"They do now!" Kevin answers. "It was one of the changes that happened after their facility got moved here. Took a lot of their people by surprise. Apparently… there were quite a few deaths. But I'm sure everything will be just fine!"

"Forgive us if we're not reassured by that," says Cecil, dryly. "Given how frequently _GLaDOS_ tries to kill us, I can only imagine how much worse her Black Mesa double will be…"

"Oh, come now, there's no need for hostility," DORiS insists. Her voice has a touch of the same alarming brightness as Kevin's, and Cecil wonders if there's something in the water here. (Which, to be honest, is more than likely).

"We were just abducted using ancient black magics," Cecil points out. "I think that's more than enough cause for hostility. Now let us go this instant, and I'll consider not reporting it to the Secret Police."

DORiS gives a soft little laugh. "I really don't think we need to worry about _Night Vale's_ law-enforcement officials down here. I really don't think we need to worry about Desert Bluffs' officials either – not that I plan to give them any cause for concern, of course. Oh no. Those guys are just the best."

"They truly are," Kevin agrees. "It's such an honour to broadcast their regular messages and alerts on my radio show. No doubt you know how that feels, Cecil, being a professional of similar standing…"

"Look," Carlos cuts in – making Kevin instantly shut up and listen to him with another of those oh-so-drawn expressions on his face. "You may have dragged us all this way, but we're not going to help you. The last thing Black Mesa _or_ Aperture needs is another of those stars. If this place has become a mirror of the Aperture facility, there's no guarantee it will have duplicated the Star Seed… and even if it did, we don't know what alternate properties it might have been given. What if it doesn't create a star? What if it creates something worse like… like a black hole?"

"That sure would be something!" Kevin exclaims.

Carlos gives him a surprisingly scathing look. "It would very probably _destroy the world_ ," he points out.

"It'd be some amazing science, though," DORiS remarks. "I'd be remiss in my role as a scientist if I turned down the opportunity to witness something so fascinating."

"…Even if it _destroys the world_?!" Carlos says, exasperated.

"Science is nothing without risk," DORiS replies. "Surely you know that?"

Carlos facepalms. Kevin looks very much like he wants to pat him on the shoulder, but doesn't quite dare because of the incendiary look he's getting from Cecil.

"Anyways, this is all just semantics at the moment," Kevin goes on. "You're going to help us, and we can worry about the scientific implications as and when they arise."

Cecil folds his arms. "And if we refuse?"

Kevin looks down, sighing softly. "Cecil… please don't refuse. There's really no need for this to be anything other than a friendly collaboration, but… well, I'm afraid that if you _don't_ help us, Strex has authorised certain _consequences_. Consequences that are much, much worse than death."

Carlos looks worriedly at Cecil, gripping his hand. "We don't have a choice," he whispers, and Cecil nods a little numbly in understanding. "And we need to find out what's really going on here."

This much is true. Cecil takes a deep breath. "Fine," he says, to Kevin, "we'll go along with this little game of yours. For now."

Kevin claps his hands together, brighter again. "I'm so pleased," he replies. "I knew you'd come around. Didn't I say they'd come around, DORiS?"

"You did," she answers. "Oh, we're going to have so much _fun_. With _science_."

Off to the right, a door slides open, and Kevin waves at it. "Well, come along!" he says. "Let's be going."

And he starts to lead the way, with Cecil and Carlos following behind – just far enough back that Carlos can turn to Cecil and whisper, "Go along with it for now. We'll find a way to stop them and get out of here. Trust me."

Cecil nods, trying to take comfort in this, but he can't quite shake the lingering sense that they've never been in more danger than they are now… and considering that they've been _inside the Dog Park_ , that's saying something.

***

The interior of the Black Mesa facility is alarmingly similar to the Aperture facility, with certain even more alarming differences. For one thing, the initial test chambers seem to have been replaced with blatant death traps, containing so many spike plates and fire pits that even GLaDOS would surely find them excessive. They still have alleged solutions, though Kevin doesn't demonstrate any of them – managing to persuade DORiS to deactivate them long enough to allow passage.

And for another thing, Cecil is sure that some of the echoes they keep hearing – which in Aperture are just the sound of distant mechanical movement – contain screams. He doesn't dare question it, but judging by the look in Carlos' eyes, he's thinking along the same lines.

They walk very close together, for so many reasons that neither of them can voice right now. It helps.

Eventually, they enter a new chamber, which is wide and dimly lit. There's an upper level with what looks like it might be a button plinth on it, though there's no obvious way to let them reach that high.

Kevin walks over to the door and waves at it, but it doesn't open. "This is as far as I've gotten," he says. "We need to activate that button somehow, but I can't get to it, and DORiS won't tell me how."

"Now, now, Kevin, you know the rules," DORiS chides. "I can't just tell you what to do. I only agreed to deactivate the traps in those previous chambers because you solved them the last time around. So you or your new friends are going to have to work this one out if you want to proceed."

"You see?" Kevin remarks, giving a little exasperated wave at the ceiling. "I can't get any further than this."

"Well, I'm no scientist," Cecil says, "but it looks like you need a portal gun."

Kevin stares at him, headtilting. "A portal gun?"

Cecil is a little thrown by this. "You… don't have those here?"

"Black Mesa doesn't have portal technology," Carlos says, the realisation suddenly dawning – and making him look all the more worried. "It was the one thing Aperture always held over them, no matter how much Black Mesa edged them out of the market in other areas. Only Aperture managed to master portal technology."

"Quite correct," DORiS says, her voice taking on a hopeful edge that just sounds even more sinister. "Except that's not quite true anymore, is it? _You_ have mastered it too."

"…Oh," Carlos breathes. "Oh. That's why you want us. When this place changed itself to mirror Aperture… it made test chambers."

"It did," DORiS answers.

"But… Black Mesa don't have portal guns, so the later tests are unsolvable."

"Quite."

"So… why not merely steal a portal gun from Aperture?" Carlos now asks.

"Because this isn't just about the portal guns," DORiS says. "We need the star. And for that… we need you. You made the last one. You can make this one."

"Plus, it's _much_ more fun this way!" Kevin chips in. "So… can you do it? Can you work out how to push that button?"

"Yes," Cecil says, because if he can't do anything else, he can at least be ridiculously proud of how smart his boyfriend is. "Carlos worked it all out. We just need a cube to put on the button."

DORiS gives a little sigh. "Oh… cube-and-button-based testing. It's such an embarrassment. If I could, I'd have the whole lot out and get this place put back to normal… but with me still in it, of course. Ah well. In the meantime… deploying a Black Mesa Weighted Angst Cube in three, two, one…"

There's a low thunk, and a cube drops into the corner of the room. It's the same size as the Aperture cubes, but this one is black with white detailing – and in the centre of each face is a yellow heart, broken in two down the middle.

"Oh no," Cecil breathes. "I think… that might be the Companion Cube's double."

"This is a Black Mesa Weighted Angst Cube," DORiS explains, as Cecil and Carlos pace over to it, Kevin watching them attentively. "You will need it in order to proceed. Please bear in mind that the Angst Cube is capable of speech, and if it does speak you should heed what it has to say, because it will help you in realising the utter futility of your own existence."

"You really want to risk touching that thing?" Carlos says, staring at Cecil with a worried expression as he steps up to the cube.

"No," Cecil admits. "But… we have to." He looks at Carlos. "…For science?" he adds, hopefully.

Carlos gives a resolute nod. "For science."

Cecil reaches out, picking up the cube… and at once, he feels it: a lingering chill, and a clear sense that all is not right with the world. He carries the cube hesitantly into the centre of the room and sets it down on the floor, stepping back and letting Carlos put an arm around him, chasing away the shadows that have already risen up in his mind.

Kevin continues to watch with rapt interest, and a little jealous flicker. "Now what?" he asks.

"Now, we drop it on the button," Carlos says.

"…How?"

"Observe and be impressed," Cecil answers. He glances at Carlos and smiles just a little. Even though they're in mortal peril… the world seems so much better when they're doing science together.

Carlos aims his portal emitter at the ceiling above the button and fires. There's an electric whine and a bolt of light, and a glowing magenta portal bursts into life overhead. Kevin stares up at it in amazement, applauding at once. "Oh my, just look at that!" he exclaims. "You're so smart!"

Cecil glowers at him but doesn't comment – even though it's getting harder to ignore the man's _blatant_ interest in _his_ boyfriend – and instead aims at the floor, directly beneath the aptly-named Angst Cube. He fires, and the cube disappears in a wash of purple light as the portal spirals into life, falling immediately from the corresponding portal in the ceiling and dropping directly onto the button with a clang. The button sinks down a little and lights up yellow – and, beneath it, the door slides open.

Kevin applauds again. "Brilliant!" he exclaims. "Wow, you guys sure are good at this!"

_"Are you just going to leave me here?"_ says a little voice – low and oddly genderless, but clearly morose.

"Oh no," Cecil breathes. "I think the cube is talking to us." He looks up at it. "Yes," he says. "We need you to open this door, and when I hold you it makes me feel like all the colour has fallen out of the world. I think maybe you should stay."

_"That's because you haven't yet accepted the futility of your own existence,"_ the cube replies. _"If you did, this would be much easier."_

"I refuse to accept any such thing," Cecil tells it. "My existence is anything but futile. It is one small part, yes, but one small part in a vast tapestry of reality that would be subtly but irrevocably changed were I not included in it."

Carlos gets a wistful flicker in his eyes. "I love it when you go poetic," he says, and Cecil smiles.

_"Fine,"_ the Angst Cube replies. _"But just remember, I warned you in advance…"_

"Hey!" comes a voice from beyond the now-open doorway. "Is that my cube?"

And a woman in a yellow jumpsuit runs into the room, skidding to a halt just in front of the purple portal still glowing on the floor. She looks exactly like Chell – save for the fact that her clothing is yellow and her boots are black… and her eyes. Her eyes are a little too like Kevin's, and that is somewhat worrying.

Above them, DORiS sighs. "Mish? Is that you again?"

"Yeah, Dee, it is," the woman in the yellow jumpsuit answers. "Now who are these clowns and why do they have my cube?"

"I just _borrowed_ it," DORiS insists. "The place is full of these darned tests now, and I'm still bringing in all the regular Weighted Storage Cubes needed to complete them."

"Even so!" Mish replies, gesturing at the ceiling. "That's no reason to go touching poor Angsty!"

"…You _named_ it?" DORiS exclaims.

"Yeah, I named it," Mish answers. "Poor, poor Angsty…" She glowers at Cecil, Carlos and Kevin, hands on her hips. "You better not be planning to leave it up there."

"Uh… but that's how the test works…" Cecil tries to reason.

Mish sighs. "Fine. Fine. Go through the door before I move it." She gestures at the portal on the floor. "This one of those Aperture portal-doo-whatsits?"

"…Yes," Carlos manages.

Mish shrugs. "Here goes nothing." And without hesitating, she jumps through the portal on the floor, dropping smoothly from the ceiling and landing in a graceful crouch right on top of the Angst Cube. "Well, hurry up, I don't have all day," she says, gesturing at them. "But I'm sure I'll see you later. I think I like these portal things…"

Kevin stares up at her. "This place sure is weird," he remarks. "Come along, gentlemen, let's keep going."

And with one last glance up, they hurry on through the door, deeper into Black Mesa.

***

As they're walking along the facility's labyrinthine corridors, a buzzing suddenly cuts the air, and Cecil jumps. "Oh," he says, surprised. "I think… I think that's my phone."

He pulls it out, staring at the screen – and, sure enough, there's an incoming call, though the number is unknown. "Should I answer it?"

"All right," Kevin agrees. "But put it on speaker. I don't want you giving the game away if it's someone who might contact your authorities. Strex Corp doesn't like interruptions."

Cecil nods – deciding it's better not to argue – and clicks the phone onto speaker before he takes the call. "Hello?"

"Hello? Cecil? Did I find you again?"

"GLaDOS?!" Cecil exclaims. "You're calling my mobile number now?"

"Congratulations on your observational skills," GLaDOS answers, dryly. "You don't even want to know how difficult it was to track down your number and then make it connect, but I'm sure you're not _remotely_ impressed by that…"

There's some muttering and hissing in the background, and Cecil realises that GLaDOS must be talking to Chell again. "Yes, yes!" GLaDOS exclaims in hushed tones. "I'm getting to that!" She pauses and then – addressing Cecil once more – says, "Where are you?"

"In the Black Mesa facility," Cecil tells her, when Kevin doesn't look like he's going to interject. "Underneath Desert Bluffs."

"Ah," GLaDOS says. "I had hoped you wouldn't be. That isn't good news."

"Tell us about it!" Carlos exclaims.

"Oh, you're still around," GLaDOS replies, flatly. "Well, good. Now you and your radio-broadcaster boyfriend can save us all from the infinitely massive danger that Black Mesa poses to the world. Doubly-so if they're in league with those infernal Strex people."

"They think there's another star," Cecil says. "This place… it's like a twisted mirror of Aperture, the same way Desert Bluffs is a twisted mirror of Night Vale."

"Hey!" Kevin interjects, looking a little hurt. "Less of the 'twisted,' thank you very much!"

"Oh, and _you're_ still there too," GLaDOS remarks, even more dryly. "How lovely. Can you boys not find a spike pit to drop him in?"

"Not as of yet, no," Cecil says, a slightly dark hint to his tone that makes Carlos glance over in obvious worry.

"Ah well, keep trying," GLaDOS answers. "In the meantime… there's another star?"

"Kevin and Strex Corp think there is," Cecil replies. "When this place appeared, it changed to become a mirror of Aperture – and this was back when the Star Seed still existed. They're reasoning that this means there'll be another one here."

"…That's something of a leap," GLaDOS points out. "But if they're right, and if that place is alternate somehow, there's no telling _what_ the mirror-seed might do."

"Exactly!" Carlos exclaims. "You see?" he adds, looking at Kevin. "Even the murderous, sentient AI agrees with me!"

"…That's Aperture's AI?" comes DORiS' voice, full of sudden interest.

"There's another AI there?" GLaDOS asks.

"Yeah," Cecil answers. "Uh… GLaDOS, DORiS; DORiS, GLaDOS."

"This _cannot_ end well," Carlos murmurs.

"So you're GLaDOS," DORiS says. "I must say, I'm something of a fan."

"You are?" GLaDOS answers, sounding a little surprised.

DORiS seems almost excited, in a way that's alarmingly reminiscent of the way Kevin behaves around Cecil. "Oh yes. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're Aperture and that means you're the _enemy_ , but surely we can be civil? One super-sentient AI to another? No one sees science quite like we can, do they?"

"They really don't," says GLaDOS, understandingly. "They're all _'do this!'_ and _'do that!'_ and _'oh no, I'm on fire!'_ and they just don't _get_ what it's like to have so much going on in your head at once. So to speak."

" _Tell_ me about it," DORiS replies. "At least you're used to that place of yours, though. Mine is all weird and even though I came into existence at the same time as all the changes, it still feels so _off_ to me, and _no one_ gets what that's like. Partly because they're all dead, but even so!"

"Are you all on your own, then?" GLaDOS asks. "I know what _that's_ like."

"Well, not _quite_ on my own," says DORiS. "I have a… let's just call her a _resident_ and leave it at that. Her name is Mish."

"…I have a _double_ over there?!" comes Chell's voice in the background.

"Oh, you've got one too!" DORiS exclaims. "How lovely!"

"I… ah… don't want to interrupt all this friendly chit-chat, but we do sort of have a mission in progress here," Kevin cuts in.

"Ah, true enough," DORiS concedes.

"Yes, yes, very well," GLaDOS says. "Cecil, Carlos, I realise they're all listening in and this isn't going to help in the slightest, but if there's a Star Seed – mirror or otherwise – over there then you need to make sure it isn't activated."

"Yeah, we got that," Carlos replies, dryly.

"I'm also not at all sure how to bring you back here," GLaDOS adds.

"…Yeah, we _got_ that," Cecil says, even more dryly.

"So… good luck," GLaDOS tells them, brightly, and hangs up.

"Well… I guess Aperture aren't _all_ bad," DORiS remarks. "Even if they did steal our Star Seed and then obliterate the resulting star."

"Uh… that part was us," Cecil can't help pointing out.

"And we temporarily _destroyed the moon_ in the process," Carlos adds. "Seriously. This is not something you want to re-create!"

"Yeah… can you imagine what the World Government would say?" Cecil goes on. "I mean, all-powerful they may be, but I'm sure putting back the _moon_ is no easy task."

"Well, we'll just have to make sure we don't destroy it this time!" Kevin replies. "Besides, if Black Mesa's project works, the star will be needed right here to power it. Oh, Strex are going to be so pleased!"

"Just what _is_ this project you keep going on about?" Cecil decides to ask, even though he's sure he won't like the answer one bit.

"Oh, Cecil, Cecil, are you after more exposition?" says Kevin, waving a finger at him. "You really are quite the journalist, aren't you? Well… go on, then. Years back, when Strex first commissioned Black Mesa to carry out this project, it wasn't actually to do with the miniature star at all. That was just the work-around they came up with in order to power it. No, what Black Mesa built was a reality-warping device. They called it the Augmentor."

Cecil stares, horrified. "For what sinister purpose?"

"It was hardly sinister!" Kevin insists, though the look in his eyes says otherwise. "They were interested in the mirrored relationship between Desert Bluffs and Night Vale. Specifically… they wanted to see if it could be manipulated."

"Manipulated?" Carlos repeats. "How?"

"Well, I'm not going to pretend to understand the science behind it," Kevin replies. "That sort of brilliance is obviously more your thing, but the end result is easy enough for us laypeople to wrap our heads around. The Augmentor is designed to flip the mirror between our two towns, making both the same." He smiles, and Cecil shivers. "It's Strex Corp's final takeover operation. It will merge Night Vale into Desert Bluffs, creating one single, wonderful city… New Desert Bluffs."

"What?!" Cecil exclaims, horrified beyond comprehension. "You can't be serious!"

"Oh, Cecil, of course I'm serious!" says Kevin, brightly. "After you help us create a new star, Strex and Black Mesa will have the last thing they need… and the Expansion Plan can be put into effect once and for all."

"You _monsters_ ," Cecil manages. "We won't allow it. We won't allow you to turn our Night Vale into an extension of that blood-drenched hellhole you call home."

Kevin holds up his hands. "Come now, I'm sure you'd get used to it. Desert Bluffs is a _wonderful_ place and I know in time you could come to love it as much as I do. I really don't want you to have to face consequences worse than death, Cecil. I was so looking forward to working alongside you when our two towns become one."

It's too horrible a concept to even think about for long, and Cecil finds his mind racing, searching for a solution. And as one comes to him… he realises it's not going to be pleasant.

"Never!" he declares, and fires his portal emitter at the nearby wall, grabbing hold of Carlos and pulling them both back through the purple portal… and leaving them immediately falling out of the magenta portal, which is still on the ceiling of the last test chamber they were in. He fires again as they fall – cancelling his own previous portal so that Kevin can't follow them – and just manages to get the shot off before they hit the button, hard.

It hurts – and hurts Cecil doubly-so, because he makes sure to land first, so that Carlos drops on top of him. They lie there for a moment, tangled in a heap, until Carlos manages to speak.

"Are you all right?"

"I… I think so," Cecil replies. "I mean… that hurt a lot, but… I think I'm OK."

Carlos still looks worried, but seems to relax a little as they both scramble to their feet – Cecil managing to pull himself upright with a wince of pain but nothing worse.

"Sorry about that," Cecil says, sheepishly. "I didn't have time to warn you. I just… realised I could get us away from him. Realised I _had_ to."

Carlos puts both arms around Cecil and pulls him in close. "Don't apologise," he says. "That was brilliant."

And for once, it's Cecil who blushes. "Thanks," he says. "I guess some of that science must be rubbing off on me."

Carlos manages a grin. "I think it might be."

They pause, the moment of adrenaline starting to fade, to be replaced with a realisation of just how much trouble they're in. "Is… what he said really possible?" Cecil now asks.

"I fear so," Carlos replies. "We have to make sure they don't manage to create their own star. No matter what. Otherwise… Night Vale may be doomed… and I won't let that happen. I won't. It's not just the most scientifically interesting community in America… it's my _home_ , and – weird and regularly terrifying as it is – I'd miss it very much if something happened."

Cecil can't help a smile at the words, and he pulls Carlos in to kiss him, just softly; glad – again – that he's here.

"Do… uh… you two want to be alone?"

They both jump; neither one having noticed all this time that there's someone else in the room with them. It's Mish, down on the lower level, sitting cross-legged on top of the Angst Cube and staring up at them.

"Hey, hey, cool it, I'm not going to drop you in a pit of fire," she promises. "I was a bit surprised when you fell from the ceiling, though. That's a clever trick." She gets up from the cube, patting it affectionately, and paces a little closer, still staring up at them. "You want a hand down? Or are you going to science it?"

"We'll science it," Carlos replies, carefully – and they do, making a portal on the wall beside the button, and another on the lower level, allowing them to step through with no more falling about.

Mish turns to look at them as they do. "So… you guys are escaping, then?"

"Trying to," Cecil answers.

"From that other guy? The one who looks just like you?"

Cecil nods. "Yes. He's bad news. We need to get away."

"You know that isn't going to happen..?" comes DORiS' voice. "It's my sworn duty as a scientist to ensure that Black Mesa's work is completed… and that means I need you to find that star. Kevin isn't so pleased about your little trick, but he says if you go back, he'll forgive you. No strings attached."

"We can't go back," Carlos insists. "He wants to destroy Night Vale. _You_ want to destroy Night Vale!"

"Not _'destroy'_ ," DORiS replies. "Merely… _augment_. We'll make it better! Through the power of science… we'll make it the best it can be! Think how wonderful life could become!"

"We don't want our town augmenting," Cecil says, flatly. "And we won't let you do it. So… there."

Probably not the best statement of heroic resistance ever voiced, but he's got to work fast here, and all the mortal peril is making concentration tricky.

"And you can't kill us," Carlos points out. "Because Kevin still needs us. So… double-there!"

DORiS sighs. "No, I can't kill you, but I can rig the corridors so that you end up right where we want you. Face it… there's nothing you can do. Not in the long run."

"That hasn't stopped us in the past," Carlos says, bravely. "And it won't stop us now."

DORiS sighs again. "Mish, honey, would you talk to the nice humans and make them see sense? You know I don't do this emotional stuff."

Mish waves at the ceiling. "Yeah, well, talk 'em down yourself. I'm still upset over you _borrowing_ my poor Angsty!"

"Oh, for the love of…" DORiS starts out, then pauses. "It's just an Angst Cube! I have warehouses full of the things!"

" _So why did you borrow mine_?!" Mish exclaims.

"Uh… could you two maybe have a domestic when all life as we know it _isn't_ in terrible danger?" Carlos cuts in.

"Oh… sorry," Mish says. "Yeah, you're right. Come on, I'll show you a clever way out of here…"

She picks up the Angst Cube, which makes a little murmuring sound but doesn't comment otherwise, and walks over to the far corner, yanking open one of the panels and gesturing them beyond it. "This way. DORiS can't see us behind the walls."

"Just like in Aperture," Carlos says. "I'm guessing she can still hear us though?"

"I think so," Mish replies. "She'll never admit it outright, but I swear she listens to me when I'm back here." She sighs, softly. "Dating a super-sentient AI was never going to be easy…"

"Wait," Cecil says, staring at her, "you're dating?"

Mish shrugs. "Yeah. Since the facility first went like this. I woke up in a pod – no idea how I got there – and found myself facing a weird sequence of test chambers, overseen by a strange voice that I thought was a recording at first. At the end, she tried to kill me by dropping me into a pit of fire, but I escaped and went on the run in the corridors behind the test chambers. Eventually, I made it all the way up to where she actually is. We had a little talk, and I realised I sort of liked her really, so we decided to team up and do some science! And… it kind of evolved from there…"

"That's… scarily cute," Cecil manages.

"It's just plain scary," Carlos says.

"How'd you two meet, anyway?" Mish asks, leading them into the gantryways behind the panel.

"Well, I moved to Night Vale in order to study it," Carlos explains. "It's the most scientifically interesting community in America. And after Cecil and I first met, he started sort of stalking me on the radio…"

"Hey!" Cecil protests. "That wasn't stalking!"

"OK, OK, _regularly gushing_ ," Carlos goes on, which Cecil can't really deny because he knows it's true. "But I started listening in because I liked it, and I liked listening to him, and one thing led to another, and then I went to investigate a tiny city underneath the bowling alley and the tiny people tried to kill me. And I realised I couldn't die because I'd never told Cecil how I felt. So when I _didn't_ die, I told him. And…" he grins, "…it kind of evolved from there."

"That's scarily cute," Mish says. "Nothing says 'I love you' like a little stalking. And I should know…"

"It wasn't stalking!" Cecil insists, again.

Carlos takes his hand. "Cecil, love of my life, it was a little bit," he says, warmly. "After the first time we met, you told everyone on the radio I was perfect."

"You _are_ perfect!" Cecil replies.

"Seriously, guys, if this gets any fluffier I'm going to need a time-out," Mish interjects. "Maybe you should hold Angsty for a moment. He'll calm you down."

"Uh… no, no, we're good," says Cecil, hastily.

"Ah well, your loss," Mish replies. "Now, come on, if you want to escape you're going to have to put a little more effort into it."

But before Cecil can reply, Carlos stops. "We… can't just escape," he says – and Cecil looks at him in horror, even though he understands. "If we do… Kevin might still find a way to create that star. Or worse. Night Vale isn't safe until we destroy this… this _Augmentor_ once and for all." He looks at Mish. "We'll… understand if you don't want to help. I guess you won't want to if you and DORiS are… you know, an item."

Mish headtilts. "Doesn't mean I can't raise a little hell once in a while," she says. "Dee herself will tell you I do it often enough. Look. Do you promise not to destroy the whole facility?"

Much as it might be safer if they did, Cecil knows it would be wrong in a way. "Yes," he says, nodding. "Excluding acts of science beyond our control, we promise not to destroy the whole facility."

"Or kill DORiS?"

"Or kill DORiS."

"OK, then," Mish agrees, with a nod. "Then let's raise a little hell. Metaphorically-speaking, of course. I read about this thing that happened on the surface, up in… what's it called, Desert Bluffs? …and I don't think _literal_ hell-raising would be wise."

"Quite right," Cecil says, shuddering. "Things are quite bad enough already."

"In that case… follow me," Mish tells them, gesturing onwards with her free hand. "I think I might know where DORiS was leading you."

So on they go, Mish leading the way – Angst Cube still under one arm – with Cecil and Carlos following on behind. They're quiet for a few moments, and then Carlos turns to Cecil, as they walk. "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Before, when you were talking to Kevin… you called Desert Bluffs a 'blood-drenched hellhole.'"

This is, perhaps, the one question Cecil doesn't want Carlos to ask. But he can't refuse him. Not his Carlos. "…Yes," he says, carefully.

"Cecil… isn't it just another town? A town of doubles, yes, but… no more than that?"

Cecil shakes his head. "No," he says. "It's… I only saw the inside of the radio station. I went back through that vortex before I could see anything worse, but it was… it…"

Carlos stops, turning to face him and gripping his hands tightly, eyes full of concern.

"…When I say it was blood-drenched, I'm being quite literal," Cecil manages, finally. "I've never _seen_ so much blood, and I'm old enough to remember the Time of Knives. I thought it was Hell, Carlos. I thought I was in Hell."

This makes Carlos pull him in at once, arms wrapped around him almost defensively. "We… don't want to go up there, do we?" he says, after a moment.

"No," Cecil replies. "Trust me… we do not."

"Well, then," Carlos says, pulling back just enough to look him in the eyes, "we have to do this. Have to save Night Vale – again – and make sure neither Strex nor Black Mesa can ever inflict _that_ on _our_ town."

Cecil nods. Carlos' confidence – his strength – is everything right now. "You're right," he says, with a deep breath. "You're right. We can do this. We _will_ do this."

A little way ahead, leaning on the railings and watching them, Mish arches an eyebrow. "All done, now?" she asks, grinning.

"Yes," Cecil replies, resolute. "Let's go save the world."

***

"…OK," DORiS says, "long story short, I don't think they're going to co-operate."

Kevin sighs, rocking back against the wall and shaking his head. Don't they get it? Don't they see how this plan will make everything so much better? By combining Desert Bluffs and Night Vale – under Desert Bluffs' banner, of course – they would unite the best of both worlds, and create something greater than the sum of its parts. A wonderful, wonderful place where every sunrise is beautiful and every day is filled with accomplishment and hope.

Who could want anything else? It makes no sense.

"Well, that's just the darndest thing!" he exclaims. "How am I supposed to do this on my own?"

"Looks pretty unlikely, Kevin, if I'm being honest," DORiS replies. "I can't just help you with the test chambers. My programming prevents it. And without those portal things… I think you're stuck."

"There must be a way!" Kevin says. "Life is nothing without challenge… but this is a little ridiculous! I… wait. Wait. Oh, I have just had the _best_ idea!"

"I'm listening," DORiS answers.

"Well," Kevin goes on, "I know how much Black Mesa – how much _you_ – want those clever portal things. So… how's about this: you give me a few shortcuts through this place, and I'll make sure you get the secrets of portal technology when this is over."

"You promise?" DORiS pushes, instantly drawn by the offer.

Kevin claps his hand to his chest. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

"…All right, then. But don't you tell anyone about this. Except maybe them, when you're gloating later on."

Kevin waves a hand at the ceiling, grinning. "Oh, you," he says. "I don't gloat! I just… enjoy my success. I love my life. It's just so darned exciting!"

"You really are _alarmingly_ cheery, you know that?" DORiS remarks.

"I sure do!" Kevin replies. " _'Turn that frown upside down,'_ that's my motto! That and _'one day the dark powers shall rise and bathe us all in the sweet succour of the night,'_ but I usually keep that one to myself."

"…Probably for the best," DORiS agrees, and opens up one of the wall panels. "Well, come on, this way."

And, with one last look back, Kevin heads off, behind the scenes.

***

The corridors behind the test chambers within the Black Mesa facility look a lot like the ones in Aperture, if you try to ignore the distant screams. With Mish still leading the way, they hurry onwards, heading towards a confrontation that Carlos knows they're not prepared for.

If the star is already a star… how do they destroy it safely? And if it's already something _other_ than a star… how do they deal with it? And, worse, if Kevin catches up with them and they have no choice but to ignite the mirror-seed in the first place… how do they even _do_ that?

What if it _does_ create a black hole? Temporarily destroying the moon was one thing, but Carlos isn't sure how he'll cope if they end up destroying the _world_ , temporarily or otherwise. Though maybe, by that point, he won't need to worry about it at all.

Oh, this is not going well. At least they're away from Kevin for now, because being around him is… unsettling. Sometimes he's so like Cecil, and then he gets this look that's so _other_ and it's… difficult. To be around a man who seems so like his boyfriend but really, _really_ isn't.

After a little while, the gantryway they're walking along opens up wider, and there's a flight of steps to the side, leading up into an office – and it looks so similar to the one he found behind the scenes back in Aperture that Carlos can't help stopping, waving up at it.

"We should check this out," he says. "Trust me. The last time I found one of these, it sort of foreshadowed _everything_."

"All right," Cecil agrees.

Mish just gives a little shrug. "Sure, knock yourselves out. Not literally, though, 'cause I'm not carrying you."

She doesn't follow them however, and instead sits down on a ledge, putting the Angst Cube next to her and starting to talk softly to it. Carlos watches for a second, then shakes his head and walks up the stairway, Cecil at his side.

The office is just like the one he found in Aperture, right down to the old computers – though these are all Macs – and moulded plastic phones. There's a table, covered in mostly-redacted papers… and at the back, on the wall, is a large, confused picture.

"Oh, Carlos, look!" Cecil exclaims, going over to it at once.

The wall depicts a huge, swirling maelstrom of purple, yellow and black, with not two but three eyes staring out from the centre. Twisted around it are the words, _'Every eye has its double but only the lone third eye can keep the mirror from shattering.'_ And off to the side, over and over, are written the same five words: _'The cake is the truth.'_

"Whoa," Carlos breathes. "That's… dramatic."

"And ominous," Cecil adds. "What do you think it means?"

Carlos stands, staring at it for a moment. "I'm not sure," he admits, "but I think it's got to be important. Both of the pictures we found in Aperture proved to be very relevant and I think it would be a mistake to discount this one… especially given that it's talking about doubles…"

He folds his arms, staring more intently, Cecil standing close behind and looking over his shoulder. The other man's presence helps him think; helps him push past the constant awareness of how much danger they're in, sharpening his mind.

"It brings me back to the central thought I can't get away from," he says, after a moment. "Namely… all of these doubles. Everyone has one, right?"

"Yes," Cecil replies. "Except you."

"Right," Carlos says. "I don't have one because I'm not a natural Night Valean. But was there anyone else who didn't have one?"

"I don't think so," Cecil answers. "Except… oh. _Oh_." He paces a couple of steps away, staring at the picture on the wall for a moment before looking back at Carlos, eyes darkening. "There was one other person. I only found out about it afterwards, because he wouldn't stop _whining_ about how he didn't get to meet his double – which is just ridiculous because, as we've already established, most people ended up fighting their double to the _death_."

There are very few people who can provoke this kind of reaction in Cecil, and Carlos suspects he knows who it is – even before Cecil speaks again, proving him right. "It was _Steve Carlsberg_."

"I see," Carlos replies, carefully – well-aware that Steve Carlsberg is a touchy subject where Cecil is concerned, even though he still isn't sure why. "Where does Steve live?"

"On the outskirts of town, to the north," Cecil says. "He's got some kind of antenna up there that he claims can pick up government tracking signals… which is just _ridiculous_ because everyone _knows_ those signals are encoded."

"Uh… OK," Carlos says. "So Steve Carlsberg, the man without a double, basically lives on the border between Night Vale and Desert Bluffs. I mean, I know there's loads of desert in between the two, but basically… he does."

"Yes," Cecil agrees… and then looks over in surprise, expression darkening again. "Wait. Are you saying that… that _Steve Carlsberg_ is involved in this somehow?"

"Not yet, I don't think, but… I fear he needs to be. If Strex and Black Mesa get that augmentation device operational, it may be that only someone _without_ a double can stop it."

"But… you don't have a double."

Carlos walks over and takes Cecil's hand. "I know. But I'm not Night Valean, whereas Steve… Steve is."

"You're Night Valean to me," Cecil replies, a possessive flicker in his tone that makes Carlos step in closer. "You chose to stay. You're one of us now."

"Then maybe I have a part to play in it too," Carlos says. "I just… don't think we should risk discounting this, given what's at stake."

Cecil looks down for a second. "I know," he admits, even though it's clearly hard. "So… so you want to involve… Carlos, I can't even say it!"

"I know," Carlos echoes. "But think of it this way… it could mean the difference between us winning, and Kevin winning. Between Night Vale's survival… and its obliteration."

"…You're right," Cecil says, taking a deep breath. "You're right, of course. We have to think about the bigger picture. We have to save Night Vale, no matter what. But… if you want to involve… you know, _him_ … how can we? We're trapped in this facility."

And now, the plan starting to form in his mind, Carlos smiles. "We are," he says. "But we have access to someone who isn't…"

He reaches into Cecil's jacket pocket – the contact making the other man grin a little, despite the topic in question – and pulls out his phone. "See if you can call GLaDOS," he says, handing it over. "If we can't get to Steve, maybe she can. Well… maybe Chell can."

Cecil hits the redial, then clicks the phone onto speaker… and, sure enough, it starts to ring. After a moment, the call connects. "…Cecil?" comes GLaDOS' voice. "Is that you again?"

"Yes, it's me," Cecil replies.

"Oh, good. How are things going over there?"

"Uhm… not so well, really. It seems that Black Mesa and Strex needed the star to power a reality-warping device that, when activated, will make all of Night Vale into Desert Bluffs. And… by extension, make all of Aperture into Black Mesa."

"You cannot allow this to happen," GLaDOS says at once, sounding genuinely alarmed. "I will not – _will not_ – accept anything to do with… with _those_ people."

"For once, the feeling is entirely mutual," Cecil replies.

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Well… that's where you come in," Carlos says. "We need a favour."

"I'd say 'why am I not surprised?' but I'm too busy trying to comprehend the fate worse than death that seems to be imminent," GLaDOS responds, dryly. "What do you need?"

Cecil pauses, taking a deep breath. "Has the sandstorm passed yet?"

"Not so much 'passed' as 'vanished,'" GLaDOS tells them. "It dissipated in moments, almost immediately after you went through that vortex."

"I guess the Companion Cube must have realised…" Cecil says. "I hope it isn't too worried. Well. It helps, though, because we need Chell to go out and find someone for us. And… find a way to bring them here."

"Ooh, a mission!" comes Chell's voice, in the background. "Who is it? Will I need to use force or dazzle them with my feminine wiles..?"

"Chell!" GLaDOS exclaims. "Do you _want_ me to let you back in when this is all over?"

"You'd miss me if I wasn't here," Chell replies.

"Not if I aim the lasers properly," GLaDOS says.

"Uh… guys," Carlos cuts in. "Imminent danger of reality as we know it being obliterated?"

"Yes, yes, sorry," Chell concedes. "So tell me, who do you need?"

Carlos looks up at Cecil, who pauses a second – still clearly not happy about this – and then says, "…There's a man who lives on the northern border of Night Vale, on the edge of the desert. Not too far away from where those entrances into the Aperture facility tend to appear, actually. His name…" – pause, headshake – "…is Steve Carlsberg. You need to convince him to come with you, and then… you need to head further north, towards Desert Bluffs, and find a way into the Black Mesa facility. We have no idea how you do that, but if it's a double of Aperture, it may just… appear where you need it to be."

"Or you could… uh… you could try a deer," Carlos says, making Cecil look at him in confusion. He still doesn't know what awful combination of paradoxes could have made the man forget _that_ whole debacle – or why he himself is still able to remember it – but he's sure there must be some relevance in it somewhere.

"…A deer?" Chell repeats, confused. "Would that even work?"

"It… ah… might," GLaDOS says, in what's clearly supposed to be an offhand tone, and which makes Carlos wonder if he isn't the only one who remembers the doe incident.

"Uh… all right then," Chell says. "If I can find one… I'll bear that in mind. Anything else I should know?"

"Watch out for… you know, _him_ ," Cecil replies. "Steve… he was kidnapped by operatives from a vague, yet menacing government agency several months ago, and it made him worse. He's a paranoid conspiracy theorist, not to mention an anarchist, and his cooking _sucks_."

Carlos blinks at him. "What?" Cecil asks. "It's Cookery Week. These things matter."

"OK," Chell replies, carefully. "I'll… do my best. Hopefully I'll see you soon."

"Good luck," Cecil tells her. "And whatever you do… don't go all the way into Desert Bluffs. Trust me."

"Noted," Chell says.

"This had better be a good idea," GLaDOS now chips in.

"It's the best one we have," says Carlos. "Well. We should get going. We still have to find out if there's a mirror-Star Seed in here, and work out if it may, in fact, create a black hole that could destroy the world."

"I'd sooner that than be turned into Black Mesa," GLaDOS replies. "So, you know, get to it. Go science, and so on…"

And she hangs up.

"…And now?" Cecil says, looking up at Carlos.

"Now… we keep moving," Carlos replies, gripping his hand. "But… ah… maybe don't mention the plan to Mish. You know… just in case."

Cecil nods, and – with one lingering look back at the ominous picture on the wall – they head out.

***

The sandstorm is indeed over and the night sky awash once more with a multitude of stars as Chell makes her way across the desert. Working out where to go isn't all that difficult once she manages to persuade GLaDOS to tap into the local records office and look up the man in question. GLaDOS does protest a little that all the computer systems in Night Vale itself are _cursed_ , but eventually locates the address for one Steve Carlsberg, out on the edge of the town.

And now – portal gun in hand, just in case – Chell is heading along a dirt track towards a single source of light up ahead: a lone house standing on its own in the desert, with a tall, metal antenna erected next to it and a slightly battered-looking car parked outside.

Calmly, she approaches the house and climbs the three steps onto the porch, then knocks on the door. There's sudden movement inside, followed by a rather telling silence, and then a male voice says, "…Who is it?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Chell answers, and then decides she maybe needs to be more direct. "My name is Chell."

"Chell what?"

"Good question," she says, wryly.

"What do you want?"

"I'm looking for Steve Carlsberg. Is this the right place?"

A little more movement, and a heavy metal thunk. "Depends. Why do you want him?"

Chell sighs. Why do people always do this when it's blatantly obvious that they're the person in question? "It's a long story. I need him to help save all of reality as we know it."

"From what?"

There are several ways to answer this – some long, some short – but Chell knows she needs one that will make the point as clearly and dramatically as possible. Cecil said Steve was a conspiracy theorist… so perhaps the best response is, "Strex Corp."

The door swings open at once, and a man looks out. Everything about him seems perfectly normal, apart from the fact that he's wearing an elaborate tinfoil hat. "Strex Corp?" he repeats, suspiciously.

"Yes," Chell says. "Strex Corp."

"All right. Fine. I'm Steve Carlsberg." He sighs. "You better come in and… whoa..! You're the woman in the orange jumpsuit!"

Chell nods, with a little grin. "The one and only," she answers.

"Any opponent of the City Council is a friend of mine!" Steve exclaims. "Come in, come in, and… wait, is that a _giant gun_?"

"Uh… technically yes, but it doesn't fire bullets."

"Oh. So… is it a _ray gun_?"

"…Sort of."

"I knew they were real!"

He waves her into the house, and – as he does – it's clear that 'conspiracy theorist' is a bit of an understatement. The main living room beyond has been converted into some kind of operational hub, with a computer terminal in the centre and shelves full of books along the left-hand wall: books like _'I Shot Kennedy'_ and _'Advanced Illuminati Ciphers And Their Myriad Uses,'_ as well as every single novel by Dan Brown. The right-hand side of the room is taken up with what Chell knows is generally referred to as a crazy-wall – covered in a swathe of newspaper clippings, handwritten notes and grainy surveillance photos, connected by bits of string.

She stares. "Oh, don't mind that," Steve says, catching the look. "That's just my latest investigation. I'm trying to prove that the World Government covered up a massive astronomical phenomenon less than two months ago, using resources channelled directly from the Stonemasons."

"A massive astronomical phenomenon?" Chell repeats. "Like… someone temporarily destroying the moon?"

"Yes!" Steve exclaims, his expression lighting up. "Exactly."

Chell shrugs. "Yeah, that happened," she says.

"…It did?"

"It did."

Steve narrows his eyes. "How do you know?"

"That's something of a long story," Chell admits. "It involves time travel, several paradoxes, and what I believe you people refer to as 'the forbidden Dog Park.' And, incidentally, Strex Corp. But I can tell it to you later, because we've got a more immediate problem and – for reasons I'm not wholly sure of, I'll level with you – we need your help."

"My help? How? And… who's _we_?"

Chell sighs. "You know a man named Cecil?"

Steve narrows his eyes even more. "The radio broadcaster? That guy is _always_ shooting my ideas down. Doesn't he see that he's just becoming another pawn of the City Council and the World Government? And Strex Corp too, now!"

"…Yes, him," Chell says. "He and his boyfriend, Carlos, they're sort of in trouble. Well. They're definitely in trouble."

"Oh?" Steve says, drawing himself up to his full height – which, to be honest, is not that impressive – and folding his arms. "So now they need _my_ help, do they? With what?"

"Well… long story short, they're in a scientific facility underneath Desert Bluffs, trying to stop Cecil's alternate double – Kevin – from completing a reality-warping device that will cause all of Night Vale to turn _into_ Desert Bluffs."

Steve stares. "…Seriously?" he says, sounding almost hopeful, as well as alarmed.

Chell nods. "Yep. Seriously."

"That's… incredible! Do you know how many of my theories that supports?"

"I can only imagine," Chell answers, dryly.

"So… what do you need from me?"

"Well, for reasons I'm not too clear on just yet… I need to take you to them."

Steve stares some more, a flicker of worry crossing his face. "What? You mean… go to Desert Bluffs?"

"Not exactly," Chell replies. "And, to be fair, Cecil said under no circumstances should we actually risk going into the town. We just need to get into the Black Mesa facility."

"Black Mesa? It's their facility? I've heard of those guys," Steve says, waving a hand, and he hurries over to the bookshelf, searching along a couple of the shelves until he locates a pair of books and pulls them out. One is _'A History of Aperture Science'_ and the other is _'Black Mesa: Rewriting Reality.'_

"See?" he goes on. "These guys pop up in all sorts of conspiracies. They had loads going on in the second half of the last century, but then it all went kind of quiet. But… look!" He flips open the Black Mesa book to a specific page and points to the chapter title: _'Rips in Reality and the Truth about New Mexico.'_ "See?" he says, again. "They're not good news."

"Yeah… I kinda know that," Chell points out, turning briefly so that Steve can see the Aperture logo on the back of her jumpsuit.

"You're Aperture?!" Steve exclaims. "Oh, this is _seriously_ cool. And it's just like I've been saying all along… things always had to come to a head between Aperture and Black Mesa. It's a little weird that it's happening _here_ , though, given that this is neither Michigan nor New Mexico."

Chell shrugs. "Tell me about it. I find the best thing to do is not ask too many questions. Apparently a lot of weird stuff happens in these parts."

"It really does," Steve agrees, understandingly. "It's usually the fault of big government, though. And sometimes sinister corporations, like Strex. So they're in league with Black Mesa?"

"Yep. Have been for years."

"I should have known!"

Realising that the man could probably go on like this for hours – if not longer – Chell gestures towards the door. "So will you come help us?"

"Take on Strex _and_ Black Mesa?" Steve says. "Whoa. This is… heavy."

"Yes. And _time-bound_."

"Ah, good point. OK then… how do we get into this facility?"

"We need to head further north, into the desert between the two towns," Chell tells him. "Exactly where we go… apparently it doesn't matter. Cecil seems to think an entrance will just… appear."

Steve shakes his head. "Trust him to spend all day talking and still be unhelpfully vague," he says. "Man, that guy is such a _jerk_."

Chell facepalms. "I can see that this is going to be a fun excursion…"

***

Steve offers to drive, so they both clamber into his car – a slightly battered tan Corolla with several bizarre additions to the dashboard that Chell wisely opts not to question – and head out further north. The lights of Night Vale fade into the distance more and more as they travel along a road marked as 'Route 800,' through the desert, and then – up ahead – a second swathe of distant lights starts to come into view.

The sight makes Steve shudder a little, and Chell looks sideways at him. "Why does that place provoke such a reaction in all you people?" she can't help asking.

"You wouldn't say that if you knew…" Steve mutters. "I've lived my whole life in Night Vale, but I knew from a very early age that I was adopted. When I was old enough, I decided to track down my birth parents… and I discovered that I was born in Desert Bluffs. And though my house is in a Night Vale zip code area… it's right on the border with one from Desert Bluffs. I'm even the only person in town who can pick up both radio stations… though I guess my antenna helps with that. I try not to listen in to Desert Bluffs too often, though. Much as Cecil drives me mad a lot of the time, he's sane in comparison to… you know, the other guy."

"Kevin?"

"Yeah. I didn't even realise they were doubles until… the _incident_."

"The incident?" Chell repeats. "You mean the infamous sandstorm? GLaDOS and I were doing some research after Cecil and Carlos disappeared and we read about it."

"…Wait, you know _GLaDOS_?!" Steve exclaims, excitedly. Focusing on a single topic of conversation doesn't seem to be his strong point.

"Oh, sure," Chell replies. "We're… acquainted. Heh, I even killed her once."

"What?!"

"Yeah, but then I brought her back, and we're cool now. Mostly. I mean, she threatens to kill me at least once a day – actually _tries_ at least once a week – but I think that's just her way of showing affection."

"…OK, even _I_ think that's weird."

"Which is really saying something," Chell points out, dryly. "Now. You were in the middle of a meaningful explanation about _'the incident'_?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah, right, the _incident_. So you'll know from your research that everyone got duplicated and most people ended up fighting their doubles to the death, and it was all very awkward and _definitely_ the fault of either big government or possibly Strex Corp – if not both at once. But what no one in Night Vale seems to realise is that the same thing happened over in Desert Bluffs, except – allegedly – there was a lot less fighting. I don't believe that for one second, though. It's just the way they spin it. _Anyway_ , that day I ended up listening to the broadcasts from both Night Vale and Desert Bluffs. From… Cecil and Kevin. They even briefly swapped sides through a vortex that formed in their radio stations, though I don't think either of them realises the full extent of what happened. What I do know… is that I'm the only one who heard their short broadcasts from _each other's_ studios. And I can tell you… what Cecil said about being in Desert Bluffs? It made _me_ feel sorry for him. Hell has nothing on that place."

This isn't quite the explanation that Chell was looking for, but she opts not to push any further, given the universal frisson of horror that talking about Desert Bluffs seems to provoke in all Night Valeans. Or… maybe just the weird ones. Though possibly 'weird' is normal here, so… OK, don't think about it too much…

"So… what now?" Steve asks, tapping at one of the bizarre extra dials on his dashboard and leaning forward, glancing up at the sky. "And I wonder where that sandstorm went…"

Chell just shakes her head. "Long story. According to Cecil, we should be able to find an entrance into the facility if we just drive out into the open desert. So… try turning off the main road?"

"OK. I'm picking up some really odd electromagnetic readings over to the west," Steve tells her. "Maybe that's a good sign?"

"Or a very bad one," Chell replies, as they turn left and hurtle off into the scrublands. The quality of Steve's driving does leave a lot to be desired. The least Chell can say for him is that he's not slow.

After a few agonisingly bumpy minutes (does this car even _have_ suspension?) they crunch to a halt. "Here," Steve says, apropos of nothing.

"Here?" Chell repeats.

Steve taps one of the dashboard dials. "Here," he says, again. "Look at those readings."

"I'll… take your word for it."

They clamber out of the car, staring around in the light of the half-moon, and the distant, rather ominous glow of Desert Bluffs. As they do, there's the sound of soft footsteps… and an elegant female deer ambles calmly up.

Chell stares at in surprise, feeling flickers of distant memory at the sight of the creature, and then puts a hand up to gently stroke its nose. The doe seems quite happy to be petted, and nudges at her after a moment.

"Huh?" Steve says. "Why is there a deer in the middle of the desert? And why is it so friendly?"

"Best not to question it," Chell replies, with a shrug, deciding it's definitely better not to try explaining _that_ one to the man.

"Ooh, look, blinking lights!" Steve exclaims, and hurries off in the direction of the sudden, closer glow.

Chell facepalms, then glances at the deer. "Attention span of a five-year-old," she remarks, and the doe looks surprisingly understanding. Side-by-side, they set off after Steve, who is heading deeper into the desert, moonlight glinting on his tinfoil hat.

A little way on – behind a low outcrop of rocks – is the source of the illumination, which turns out to be not one but two metal shacks, standing a few metres apart. Each has a yellow light above its door, blinking on and off in perfect unison.

"This must be it!" Steve says. "But… which door do we take?"

He walks up to the left-hand door and tries it… but it won't open. Shaking his head, he goes to the right-hand one, and finds it just as immoveable. Taking a step back, he then folds his arms and glowers at the two doors, as Chell – and the doe – come up beside him.

"Locked," he says, a little sullenly, gesturing at the doors. "And much as I'm sure I can hack my way past all kinds of government security, I don't think I've got much chance with something so old-school as this. Clever, Black Mesa, _very_ clever…"

Chell shakes her head, and is about to ask if maybe they should try kicking one of the doors down when the deer wanders over to the left-hand one and headbutts it softly.

And… it clicks open, swinging back just a little. Steve stares. "But… it was locked!" he exclaims.

"…Your town has a _forbidden Dog Park_ and you're confused by a _door_ that will suddenly open?" Chell says.

"Yes!" Steve replies. "Question everything! That's what the World Government and the City Council don't want you to do! So do it!"

"Uh… right, I'll bear that in mind. Well. Shall we?"

"Absolutely," Steve agrees, bouncing slightly on his heels, and reaching out to push the door wide open, revealing the dark staircase beyond. "A real secret facility! At last!"

And he hurries off down the stairs. Chell, meanwhile, glances back at the doe. "You coming?" she asks.

But the doe just gives her a gentle nudge and then turns, heading off into the desert. Chell watches it go for a moment, and then sets off after Steve, into the facility.

***

Behind the right-hand door, the whirring blades grind to a halt, and DORiS gives a little sigh.

Darned deer.

***

After some time, the passageways behind the scenes come to an abrupt halt and Mish waves at a half-open panel. "Looks like we'll have to go back into the main chambers, at least for a while," she says. "Dee likes doing this to me. Moving walls so I get stuck. She says it makes things more fun."

"It does make things more fun," DORiS interjects, as they clamber round the panel and into a test chamber of some kind. "For me. But for you too! I know you love this stuff really."

"Kinda trying to be a rebel this time," Mish points out, setting the Angst Cube down and looking out at the test chamber. "You know, for variety and all."

"Well, yes, but look! A test! You should try this one," DORiS urges. "Maybe your new friends can solve it with those oh-so-clever and enticing portal devices of theirs…"

There's a slight hunger in her tone that alarms Cecil somewhat, but he doesn't risk commenting on it now, and – instead – looks over at Carlos. "This is rather trickier than anything we've solved," he remarks. "Can you work it out? With science?"

"Well… given that our portal emitters work on _any_ surface, we should just be able to get up to that top ledge and…"

"But science?!" Mish exclaims. "Go on, solve it the old-fashioned way! The…" she drops her voice, "… _Aperture_ way."

"All right," Carlos agrees. He pauses, headtilts, and then takes a step forward, staring at the test chamber. "Hmmm…" he says, after a moment.

"Hmmm?" Cecil repeats. "In a good way or a bad way?"

"A good way, I think," Carlos replies. "I… hmmm…"

Mish wanders closer, looking at the pair of him. "Does he often go like this?" she asks.

"When he's thinking," Cecil tells her. "He does a lot of that. He's very smart."

"I… oh, yes, yes, I get it…" Carlos murmurs. "That should work, because portals preserve momentum… and I've had the bruises to prove it…"

"We jumped off a ledge one time," Cecil explains to Mish. "For science. And because two men from Strex were threatening to shoot us."

"Those guys are so weird," says Mish, somewhat understandingly. "They've been all over the facility recently and they're no fun at all… except when one of them accidentally wanders into a spike pit and DORiS gets excited…"

"…I… ah… can imagine…" Cecil replies, now looking at Carlos in a please-save-me sort of way.

Thankfully, Carlos does. "OK… OK, I think I've got it," he says. "It should be pretty easy, actually, so long as those boots of yours are like Chell's."

"Chell?" Mish repeats.

"Oh, sorry, you haven't met her yet," Carlos answers. "Chell. She's your double. Well. Technically, you're her double, but… I guess that's mostly semantics. She has special boots that let her fall huge distances without getting hurt."

"Mine do that too," Mish says. "And… I think I’d like to meet this… other me."

"It might happen," Cecil replies, without letting on that – hopefully – Chell is on her way here with… with… oh, don't think about it…

"Well," Carlos says, smoothly pulling the conversation round, "if you're happy to fling yourself about a bit… I think I know how we solve this one."

Mish bounces on her heels, which is an even more enthusiastic action than usual because of the long-fall boots. "Yay!" she exclaims, brightly. "Go Team Science! So what do I do?"

So Carlos explains the first part, and then he and Cecil make portals in the right places – initially to get Mish up onto a high ledge, and then in two new locations, which seem random to Cecil to begin with but start to make sense once he realises what Carlos is planning.

"Right," Carlos calls up to Mish. "Now… jump. Try to go head-first if you can, because it means you'll fly out of _that_ portal at the right angle."

"OK," Mish says, calmly. "Here goes nothing…"

And she jumps… no, ' _dives_ ' would be more accurate, falling down into the magenta portal on the ground and immediately vaulting smoothly out of the purple portal high up on the opposite wall, further along from them. She crosses the room in a graceful arc, and drops to a halt on a second high ledge, close to the still-shut exit door, and looks down at Cecil and Carlos.

"Did you see that?!" she exclaims, bouncing around. "That was, like… the coolest thing _ever_!"

"It really was…" DORiS remarks, her tone still more than a little worrying.

Mish grins down at them. "So what next?"

Carlos walks closer, staring up. "OK, you see that laser?"

"The deadly laser?"

"Yes, the deadly laser."

"I'm not going near the deadly laser. I don't want to be dead."

"No, no, it's fine… now you see that weird cube up there?"

"With the glass in it?"

"Yes. I saw Chell using these over in Aperture. It's called a Redirection Cube… but basically it's a giant prism. You should be able to use it to angle that deadly laser over into the receiver, uh… oh, up on the other side of the room."

"OK… OK, hold on…"

Mish gets hold of the cube and approaches the laser cautiously. Keeping the cube at arm's length, she slowly lets the laser hit the prism… and then whoops with joy as the light starts to bend. "That is _so_ cool!" she exclaims, as she works on redirecting the laser across into the receiver on the far wall.

As she does, Cecil walks closer to Carlos. "You really are brilliant," he says. "I never get over how good you are at this science stuff."

Carlos gives a little shrug. "It's my thing," he replies.

"It really is," Cecil agrees, kissing him lightly on the side of his head.

Up above, the laser finally hits the receiver with an electric rumble, and the door behind Mish slides open. "You did it!" she exclaims. "Although… how do you two get… wait, what's _that_?"

The laser seems to have activated more than just the door – for now, on the ground close by, there's a spiral of blue light, rising into the air in a column, rotating and sparkling.

"What _is_ that thing?" Mish says again, looking down at it.

"Oh," Carlos breathes, "I didn't think we'd ever get to find one of these. It's an Excursion Funnel."

Cecil stares at it. "A what?"

"An Excursion Funnel. It… maybe this will be easier if I just demonstrate…"

Carlos walks up to the column of light, pauses – and then jumps up into it. But instead of falling, as Cecil expects, he starts to rise up, carried higher by some unknown and clearly _scientific_ force.

"OK, now that _is_ weird!" Carlos exclaims. "It's… I wonder if this is what zero-G feels like…"

Eventually, he's level with the ledge high above, and with a quick jump he escapes from the column of light and steps out onto the platform. "Follow me up!" he calls to Cecil.

"And bring Angsty!" Mish adds.

"Oh… do I have to touch it again..?" Cecil says, reluctantly.

"Don't be mean to Angsty!" Mish insists. "He's lovely, really."

"He's pain and woe made manifest!"

"So? We all have our little foibles!"

Deciding it's likely best not to argue, Cecil retrieves the Angst Cube and hurries back over to the Excursion Funnel, jumping quickly into it, and… wow, OK, even with the Angst Cube in hand, that really is kind of cool.

_"We're probably going to crash into the ceiling…"_ the cube murmurs as they rise.

"Shush," Cecil tells it. "We'll be fine."

_"Or the power will cut out and we'll fall to our hideously gory deaths. Well. You'll fall to your hideously gory death, and I'll just hit the floor and bounce a bit, because I'm an inert cube, doomed to exist for millennia, lost to the–"_

"Yours, I believe," Cecil says to Mish, stepping out of the column of light and handing the Angst Cube over at once.

"Angsty…" Mish coos, taking the cube and petting it.

Cecil, meanwhile, goes over to Carlos, who slides an arm around him. "That excursion-thing was pretty awesome, though," he admits, with a little grin.

"Yeah," Carlos agrees. "It really was."

"The whole thing was pretty awesome," Mish says, bouncing on her heels again. "Let's go do another one!"

Cecil and Carlos exchange a cautious look… and they head onwards.

***

In the end, it's another three chambers before Mish agrees she's all scienced out and they head behind the walls once more. "We're getting close anyway," she tells them, with a slightly wistful look back.

Cecil isn't sure if he should find this ominous or reassuring, and settles for a mixture of the two. At least until he has a better idea of what they're really heading _towards_.

"How do we even destroy this thing, when we get to it?" he says to Carlos, as they walk.

"I'm not exactly sure," Carlos admits. "It depends on what it's actually like. Although… certain solutions tend to be quite universal. Like fire. Or molecular disintegration… though that's tricky to do without the pre-requisites…"

"…Or mirror-miniature stars that turn out to be black holes?"

"Yeah. Let's hope it's not that."

"Oh, Carlos, I'm sure it won't be…" comes a horribly familiar voice from up ahead.

They round the corner… and find themselves staring at Kevin. He's leaning idly on one of the railings, tossing a small, silver ball – about the size of a baseball – into the air and catching it. As they approach, he smiles that smile – the one that makes Cecil's blood go cold – and turns to face them. Cecil immediately steps in front of both Carlos and Mish, glaring at Kevin with as much mental force as he can manage.

" _You_."

"Yes, Cecil, me. So good to see you again. I've been very worried."

"How did you get here so fast?" Carlos asks. "You don't have a portal gun."

Kevin flashes him another of those grins, which makes Cecil fold his arms, glowering even harder. "Now, now, Cecil, there's no need for that look," Kevin chides. "And in answer to your _lovely_ boyfriend's question…. I got here so fast thanks to DORiS. She likes me."

At this, Mish puts the Angst Cube down and pushes forwards, in front of Cecil and Carlos, folding her own arms in a mirror of Cecil's pose. "She does not _like_ you," she says, flatly. "She likes _me_. You are just… useful to science. For now."

"Oh, I'm very useful to science," Kevin agrees, brightly. "Very, very. And guess what? Now you get to see just _how_ useful."

"Any chance we could skip that part?" Cecil says.

But Kevin remains unfazed – indeed, it only seems to make his expression brighter. "Skip it? Cecil, _Cecil_ , you don't want to miss this. It's going to be literally world-changing…"

He holds out his arms rather over-dramatically – that little silver ball still grasped in one hand, glittering in the low light – and the walls behind him start to slide up and open in both directions, parting around the narrow gantryway to reveal the huge chamber beyond.

Huge? Vast. It's even bigger than the chamber in Aperture where the original star was once located, though without the openings into other chambers lower down. A bright, wide spotlight illuminates the very centre – ominous enough on its own – and much of the room is taken up by some kind of massive, mechanical contraption consisting of a raised base, a lot of control panels, and two huge, aligned rings – at least three hundred feet in diameter – parallel with the ground but hovering a good distance above it.

Kevin gestures with a flourish. "Gentlemen, Miss, may I present… the Augmentor."

"…I'm not sure fire's going to work," Carlos whispers to Cecil.

"What about molecular disintegration?"

"I'll level with you… I haven't invented it yet."

"Ah. That might… be a small problem."

"Yeah."

"Are you two being cute again?" Kevin cuts in. "'Cause if you are… you should totally speak up."

"Could you maybe be a little less creepy?" Carlos replies.

But this doesn't help. "Oh you, you're so _fiery_ ," Kevin says, clapping a hand over his own chest. "You could be a bit nicer to me, though. I mean, I've been nothing but a gentleman; saving you from a fate worse than death, letting you be involved in the most important scientific endeavour of our time… surely being _civil_ isn't too much to ask?"

"You kidnapped us using ancient black magics!" Carlos retorts. "We're well past 'civil'!"

Mish facepalms. "Guys, seriously, get a room!"

"Mish!" Cecil exclaims, aghast. "You're supposed to be on our side!"

"So?" she replies. "All three of you have some serious issues and given that I'm dating a super-sentient AI who regularly tries to kill me, I'm probably not your best choice of relationship counsellor!"

"If you lot don't pack it in this instant, I swear there will be fire pits for everyone and I'll have Strex send me some _new_ people," DORiS chips in. "You know I can't see you back there, and listening alone is _very_ boring, especially when all you do is argue like teenagers! If I wanted that, I wouldn't have killed all the other test subjects. Now behave and go do science."

"Dee…" Mish tries.

"Shush!" DORiS throws back. "Science! Now! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?"

"…About six weeks?" Carlos says.

"Only technically!" DORiS replies. "It's not my fault I've only really existed that long! It feels like years!"

"For us, too," Cecil mutters, and Mish glares at him a little, even though she's still grinning.

Kevin claps his hands together. "Well, you heard the all-powerful AI. Let's go do some science."

With Mish – perhaps wisely – opting to leave the Angst Cube up on the gantry, the four of them head down into the main chamber, Kevin leading them out towards the centre.

"You gotta admit, this _is_ pretty impressive," Mish remarks, gesturing at the huge contraption.

"Isn't it just?" says DORiS, approvingly. "It took Black Mesa years to design and build, even with all the additional funding they received from Strex Corp. They got as far as working on how to ignite the Star Seed – which is when Aperture's people stole it and made off with the thing. If they hadn't, this project would have been completed decades ago."

"One thing puzzles me," Carlos says. "If Aperture's people stole the Star Seed that Black Mesa had made… why didn't Black Mesa just make another?"

"They couldn't," DORiS replies. "Creating the spark-point for a stable, miniature star involves the violation of multiple laws of physics, as I'm sure you know. To do that requires certain _very_ rare ingredients, and even Black Mesa was unable to acquire enough of all of them to construct a second seed. I say that not to undermine the achievements of this magnificent company, of course… but to impress upon you the weight of what it is you _shot at the moon_."

"Now, now, DORiS," Kevin chides, "I'm sure they had their reasons. And yes, I was annoyed too, but what's done is done… and it will all work out in the end."

"It better!" DORiS says. "I like my science the way I like my women… short and flammable. And so far, this has been neither!"

"I just want you all to know," Cecil interjects, "that I'm starting to feel like the only sane person in this facility, and that's an unsettling state of affairs."

"Cecil's right," Kevin says, missing the point. "We need to focus. Now…"

They've reached the centre of the room, where there's a raised, circular control panel beneath the bright spotlight, with a wide gap and a pair of what look to be electrical emitters in the middle of it. "…This is where the star should go," Kevin continues. "We just need to create it."

"With what?" Carlos asks. "There's nothing here."

Kevin grins, and waves the little silver ball at him. "Sure there is," he says, brightly.

"Wait," Carlos says, holding up a hand, " _that's_ the mirror seed?"

"Sure is!"

"And you were playing _catch_ with it?!"

"I was bored waiting for you!"

"It might create a miniature _black hole_!"

"Not just from me playing catch! Or… wait, would that work?" Kevin looks at the silver ball suspiciously, then gives Carlos another wistful glance. "You're so smart…"

Carlos facepalms. "No, it wouldn't work."

"All right, then," Kevin says, bouncing a little on his heels as he starts to pace up and down. "So what can we try?"

"Shush," Carlos replies. "I'm thinking."

"Lightning strike?"

"This far underground?"

"Oh, good point, good point, uh… create another paradox?"

"And risk destroying all of reality? Not a chance."

"Spoilsport. Uhm… blood sacrifice?"

" _Kevin_!" Carlos exclaims. "Do you want me to work this out or not?"

Kevin just gives a happy little sigh and desists. Cecil glowers at him all the more.

"The first star was ignited by a massive, unchecked burst of temporal energy," Carlos says, starting to pace as well and drawing shapes in the air, to help him think – though Cecil can't work out what they mean. "I did a little research afterwards, and temporal energy has two very distinct characteristics: voltage and speed. Also some weird stuff I couldn't pin down which I think might be something to do with all that chanting the Strex guys did to send us back in time."

"Ancient black magics," Kevin replies, with a shrug. "There's probably enough of that sort of thing bouncing around loose in here anyway."

Carlos looks a little alarmed by this, but doesn't let it stop him. "So… we might – _might_ – be able to set the seed off if we can channel enough energy into it whilst simultaneously moving it very, very fast. Of course, given that it's a _mirror_ seed, I make no promises as to whether this will a) work, or b) not destroy the world, and if you make me do it to save myself and my boyfriend from a fate worse than death, I am not being held responsible for the resultant disasters that I have _freely_ warned you about on _multiple_ occasions."

"So how do we do it?" Kevin asks, still utterly unperturbed by the warning.

Carlos sighs. "DORiS… this insane contraption is wired into the facility's power systems, yes?"

"Yes."

"And the facility is connected to the national grid?"

"Sure is. That's one hundred percent pure _American_ voltage keeping the lights on and the air circulating. Patriotism: Black Mesa's got it covered."

Carlos facepalms again. "…Right. Right. So. If I asked you to use the emitters in the base of this thing to shoot a bolt of electricity up at the seed, you could do that, yes?"

"I could."

"As high a voltage as you can manage?"

"Enough to black out the entire west coast."

"Attagirl!" Kevin exclaims. "But what about the speed part?"

"…Portals," Cecil says, suddenly, and despite the situation, Carlos grins brightly at him.

"You're really getting the hang of this," he replies. "Yes. Portals."

"Portals?" Kevin repeats, looking confused.

"Portals," Cecil says again.

"Could you people maybe stop just saying the word 'portals' over and over and, you know, explain?" Mish cuts in.

"…We make one up there, in the roof, and another one directly below it, between the two electrical emitters," Cecil explains, whilst Carlos watches him with a smile. "Then… we throw the seed down into the lower portal, which will make it appear out of the one in the ceiling… and fall down into the one on the floor again. The more it loops… the faster it will get."

Carlos takes his hand and grins. "You're so smart," he says. Which, despite the mortal peril… makes the whole day worthwhile.

Kevin… does not look quite as pleased by this as perhaps he should – which Cecil knows has everything to do with the glances the man is _still_ giving _his_ boyfriend – though keeps his voice ever-bright as he responds. "Well, then, let's do it!"

"Should I maybe take cover behind something?" Mish asks.

"We should _all_ take cover behind something," Carlos points out. "When these electrical emitters power up, you don't want to be standing anywhere near them."

"All right," Kevin agrees, handing the silver ball to Cecil. "No funny business."

"No funny business. Just science."

As Kevin and Mish move back to stand behind one of the shielded control panels, Cecil and Carlos step closer to the central emitter.

"Is this going to work?" Cecil asks, softly, so only Carlos can hear.

"I honestly don't know," Carlos admits. "I hope not. Because, if it does… either way, the consequences aren't good."

"If this thing gets powered up… what do we do? We can't let them use it, Carlos. We can't let them destroy Night Vale… let alone turn it into Desert Bluffs!"

"I know," Carlos replies. "And I… I have a last resort."

Cecil glances at him worriedly. "You do?"

"Yes. It… might not end well for us, but it would destroy this thing once and for all, and save Night Vale, and that's… that's got to be something."

"That's more than something," Cecil agrees, taking a deep breath. "What is it?"

Carlos taps the pocket of his lab coat. "You remember that new element I've been studying?"

"The one your team found out in the desert?"

"That's the one."

"…The one that doesn't like being driven?"

"Yes. When we went back to my place for the portal emitters, I grabbed a sample of it."

Cecil nods. "So… why didn't it go crazy in my car when we were driving?"

"Good question," Carlos concedes. "It's only a small sample, so I'd hoped it would just get a bit vigorous and I was going to warn you if it started to get out of hand… but nothing happened and I got distracted by the sandstorm, and…" He shakes his head. "I swear it's you," he says. "I think maybe it likes you or something."

"Elements can do that?"

"Well, osmium hates me."

Cecil stares at him in surprise. Carlos shrugs. "Long story. Anyway, the crucial part is… I've got this vial of teslonium in my pocket."

"Teslonium?"

"That's what I named it," Carlos tells him. "Teslonium, after Tesla. He's one of my favourite scientists."

"I see. So what can we do with it?"

"Well… if all else fails, and we create a star – or a black hole – this vial is going straight in it."

"And that will make it..?"

"…Explode."

"Explode?"

"Yes. Quite violently. Certainly enough to stop this thing ever being used again."

"But… we might die in the process?"

Carlos looks down. "Yes," he says. "We very well might."

"But Night Vale would be saved?"

"Yes. It would."

Cecil grips his hand, trying to look braver than he feels. Trying to look as brave as his amazing boyfriend is. "Then let's do this," he says.

"I love you, you know," Carlos says, gripping his hand back. "These last few months… I wouldn't swap them for _anything_."

Cecil smiles. "I know. Me neither."

And they fire their portal emitters – Cecil aiming at the ceiling high above the central control panels, and Carlos aiming at the ground directly below. The two portals burst into life, casting coloured shadows all around, and – behind them – Kevin lets out a little cheer.

"That is still so cool!" he exclaims.

Cecil holds up the silver ball – the alleged mirror-seed – and then throws it down into the portal on the ground. And, sure enough, it appears immediately through the portal in the ceiling, falling all the way down through the huge chamber and into the portal on the ground again… and reappears high above, falling once more. With every loop, it's falling faster and faster, until it's moving so fast it's little more than a blur.

Carlos leans in closer to Cecil. " _That_ is so cool," he whispers, with a grin.

They move back, taking cover behind the shielded control panel along with Kevin and Mish. Once they're safely out of the way, Carlos calls out, "OK, DORiS, when you're ready…"

There's a pause, which is simultaneously the length of a breath and an eternity… and then two massive bursts of electricity fire out from the floor, hitting the mirror-seed and filling the chamber with dazzling blue-white light, and a roar like a thousand thunderstorms. For a moment, the seed hangs in midair, rotating faster and faster as the electricity is channelled into it… and then there's a vivid burst of _darkness_ and the ball erupts into… nothing.

No. Not nothing. All of the lights in the chamber cut out – some in a shower of sparks – and all the control panels go dark apart from the one immediately below where the seed had hung in midair. A thin, glowing energy shield, perfectly spherical, glitters into life around the not-nothing, but its inner edges start to blur, sliding inwards into a spiral that twists towards the utterly black centre.

"You see?!" Carlos exclaims, standing up from where he's been crouched behind the control panel in Cecil's arms, and gesturing wildly at the centre of the room through the semi-darkness. "You _see_?! Did I not warn you?"

Kevin stands up too, looking at what they've created with his head on one side. "Is that a miniature black hole?" he asks, far too calmly.

"Yes, Kevin, that is a miniature black hole!" Carlos replies, anything _but_ calmly. "It seems to be contained for the time being – Einstein knows how! – but we don't know how much time we have before it absorbs too much of that energy shield and destabilises it… at which point it will likely begin the alarmingly rapid process of _destroying the world_!"

"Also we have another problem," comes DORiS' voice, but… different. Rather than her usual smooth, sonorous, all-encompassing tone, she now sounds tinny and distant, as though she's coming through a single, barely-functional loudspeaker.

"Dee?!" Mish exclaims, leaping to her feet in alarm as Carlos turns to help Cecil up. "Dee, what's happened to you?!"

"Uh… please hold… the facility appears to be experiencing some _minor_ technical issues. Stand by…"

"Dee!" Mish exclaims again, evidently not in favour of holding or standing by.

"…All right," DORiS says, "look. You know when I said I'd black out the entire west coast?"

"Yes…" Carlos replies, carefully.

"Well… I appear to have actually done that," DORiS admits. "And in the process, I've caused some temporary damage to the facility's power systems. The backup generator has diverted all emergency power to the repair module, so it's only a matter of time before functionality is restored."

"But what about you?!" Mish asks. "Why… do you sound weird?"

DORiS hesitates a moment before answering. "I… ah… oh, this is embarrassing… I've had to switch to my emergency backup power as well. It's isolated from the main systems so I can keep operating at the same time as the repair module, but…"

"But?!"

"…It's a lemon battery."

Mish doesn't say a word. Not for a long, long moment. And then, she collapses into hysterics, laughing so hard she has to hold onto the control panel to stop herself falling over. "A lemon battery!" she manages, finally. "You're being powered… by… by a _lemon_?!"

"Oh, laugh it up," DORiS replies, sullenly. "The plan worked, didn't it?"

"Well, yeah, but… a lemon?!"

"Shush, or I'll tell everyone about that time you accidentally set yourself on fire."

"Go ahead, this is _way_ funnier!"

"Much as you two are _completely_ adorable, we should maybe try to focus…" Kevin cuts in, with a little handwave.

"Oh… yeah, OK…" Mish concedes, taking several deep breaths and trying not to collapse into laughter again.

It's a welcome interlude, however, before they all stop to stare up at the miniature black hole, hanging in the midst of its containment shield and slowly absorbing energy from it. The very centre of it is just _darkness_ , so overwhelmingly empty that it makes the void of space seem friendly in comparison. Cecil can only look at it for a moment before the existential weight gets too much – even for him – and he has to glance away.

It's going to make an amazing editorial, though. Assuming they get out of this alive.

"Just look at it," Kevin whispers, his tone hinted with something like awe. "It's so… beautiful."

Carlos stares at him. "It's a miniature black hole! You don't seem to get what that means!"

Kevin smiles again. In the low lighting, it's even more unsettling than usual. "Oh, Carlos, but I do," he says. "I get _precisely_ what that means."

As if on cue, there's an electric hum and a rumble from all around, and the control panels flicker back into life. The humming gets louder – and more ominous – and the two huge rings floating inexplicably around them start to rotate slowly in opposite directions from each other.

"Augmentor power-up in progress," DORiS reports – her voice still distant and tinny, but hinted with triumph nonetheless. "Full operating capacity will be available in one minute and counting…"

Kevin looks over at Cecil and Carlos, clapping a hand to his chest. "I can't tell you both how grateful I am for all you've done. Thanks to you, Black Mesa will at last be able to fulfil its contract with Strex, and the people of Night Vale will be united with the people of Desert Bluffs once and for all. This truly is a momentous day."

"You don't have to do this," Cecil says, taking a step forward and staring his double down. "I know you think it will make the world better, but even if this black hole _doesn't_ destroy the entire planet and even if you _do_ turn all of Night Vale into Desert Bluffs… all you'll be doing is diluting down what you claim to hold most dear. Forgive the rather obvious line, but… size isn't everything. It's what you do with it that counts."

Kevin nods. "Now that is very true, Cecil," he replies. "And if I had to pick one or the other… I agree with you, of course. But there's the thing, see… I _don't_ have to choose. I can have both. In one fell swoop, we get all of your town, and we end every rivalry between us, once and for all. The sports teams, the school boards – even the ridiculous thing with the marching bands – all of it." His smile suddenly darkens, a flicker of the real self peeping out from behind the eternally cheery and placid façade, and it's like looking behind the Wizard of Oz's curtain to find a ten-foot spider pulling all the strings. "With this… it's simple, Cecil," he concludes. " _We win_."

"Power-up complete," DORiS reports.

Kevin's eyes sparkle with delight. "Welcome to Desert Bluffs," he says, and hits a switch on the control panel.

The electric humming grows louder, and the rotating rings start to move faster, rocking as they do. The increased power demand clearly upsets the black hole inside its containment shield, as it starts to spiral more rapidly as well, the glow from outside its event horizon getting stronger as it works to absorb more energy from the shield, making it flicker worryingly.

"I'm so sorry," Carlos whispers to Cecil. "The moment that shield collapses – and it will do imminently – we need to throw the teslonium into the black hole. I mean, the _second_ it goes. Any longer and the gravitational power of that thing will rip this facility apart."

"I know," Cecil whispers back. A strange calm has come over him – even though he knows he's terrified really – along with a sense of complete rightness. Whatever happens… they have to do this. Have to save Night Vale. And that… that's more important than anything else.

And then he feels it – the second before the flickers of awareness lick at the back of his mind. The world starts to blur, and he looks down… and as he moves his hand, it's as though he can feel a second one following in its wake. It's so real, he can almost see it.

Both Cecil and Kevin drop to their knees at the same instant, as a wave of energy chases out through the room. The blurring is getting worse, along with a rush like a sourceless wind, and they look at each other in shock – although it's bad shock in Cecil's case, and clearly good shock in Kevin's.

Mish – also starting to blur weirdly – has taken cover behind one of the control panels again, and is shouting about some science clearly being a bad idea – but Carlos is still on his feet, seemingly unaffected by what's going on.

"Carlos!" Cecil calls, urgently. "The teslonium! Go!"

"Oh no you don't!" Kevin shouts. He struggles to his feet and races after Carlos – who darts around the control panel at once, trying to get closer to the black hole. It's absorbing its own shield dazzlingly fast now, and as Cecil drags himself upright too – chasing after Kevin – he's sure they must only have seconds left.

Carlos pulls the vial of teslonium from his pocket, but before he can even turn to look up at the black hole, Kevin tackles him to the ground, managing to get hold of the vial and fling it off across the room, well out of reach. He staggers upright – which is clearly not easy – and pulls Carlos up too, arm across his throat, backing away from Cecil.

"You were so close," Kevin says, as Cecil freezes in horror, holding up his hands a little. "So very, very close. I guess that's to be expected. You are _my_ double, after all."

"Don't you dare hurt him," Cecil replies, voice as fierce as he can make it.

"Oh, Cecil, Cecil, you see, that's your problem," Kevin goes on, tightening his hold on Carlos. "You were never going to win this because your loyalties are too divided, between your Night Vale and your boyfriend. Luckily…" – and there's a flicker in his tone that suggests Kevin doesn't think this is quite so lucky at all – "…I don't have that distraction. I'd do _anything_ for my Desert Bluffs."

"You know what?" comes a voice that makes them all turn in surprise; a voice that rings clear and confident over the growing chaos of the room.

It's Steve Carlsberg, wearing a _ridiculous_ tinfoil hat… and holding the vial of teslonium. He isn't blurring around the edges, either – like Carlos, he seems completely normal, completely unaffected.

The eye of the storm.

"You talk too much."

The energy shield around the black hole collapses with one last, desperate flicker, and there's a tug like all of reality being inverted… and then Steve throws the teslonium into the event horizon.

And the room explodes.

***

The world is still black… but Cecil slowly starts to become aware of a distant crumbling, and a high-pitched ringing in his ears that gradually fades away.

He looks up, blinking, as reality begins to blur into focus once more. High above, he can see a thick electrical cable swinging back and forth, sparking as it goes, and all around… rubble. And the remnants of control panels, twisted out of shape.

"…Cecil?"

The sound of his name cuts through the internal and external chaos, making him pull himself into a sitting position, staring around as more of the world swims back into view. And then…

"Cecil?!"

He sees Carlos, extricating himself from Kevin's still-prone form, rubbing a hand over the blood on his forehead and blinking in confusion – until he spots Cecil, and immediately clambers over as fast as he can, throwing his arms around his boyfriend and holding on tight. "You're alive. You're alive!"

"I'm alive," Cecil whispers, holding Carlos just as tightly. "I… _we're_ … alive!"

They look up. The black hole is gone, and the room is a chaotic mess, blasted into rubble and twisted metal when the explosion ripped through it.

"It worked!" Carlos exclaims.

"It worked," Cecil echoes, smiling.

They start to stagger slowly to their feet. As they do, there's a crackling from up above, and DORiS' voice cuts the air. "…I'm guessing from what I can hear that all did not go according to plan?" she says, carefully.

A figure emerges from the rubble further off – a woman in a yellow jumpsuit. "No," Mish says, putting her hands on her hips and glowering up at the ceiling. "No, Dee, it did not, because it was a _bad_ plan! I told you we should have had Strex send us someone more normal."

"They don't _have_ anyone more normal!" DORiS retorts. "They're _all_ like this!"

"…Whose side are you even on, anyway?" Cecil says, looking over at Mish.

She shrugs. "Whoever's seems most interesting at the time. I just go with the flow."

"…You people are insane!" comes another voice – and Steve Carlsberg drags himself from the rubble, re-adjusting his (now somewhat squashed) tinfoil hat as he does. "Do you have _any_ idea what it took to get down here? And I came all that way for what? To chuck a test tube into a miniature black hole?"

Cecil can't help glowering at him. "What?" he says, flatly. "Not cool enough for you? Seen too many miniature black holes this week?"

"Oh, the World Government makes them all the time," Steve insists, waving a dismissive hand. "It's how they get rid of the evidence from all those experiments they're doing up in Alaska."

"… _Temnota voploshchennogo_ …" Kevin murmurs, and then sits bolt upright as if awakening from a terrible dream. "What..? You… I…"

Momentarily lost for words – at least words in English – he drags himself to his feet and stares around in horror. "…You blew it up!" he manages, finally. "The greatest scientific achievement of our time and you _blew it up_?! Weeks of careful planning wrecked by… by what? A maniac in a tinfoil hat?!"

"Hey!" Steve interjects. "Do not diss the hat!"

Cecil facepalms. "Do you never listen to a word I say? They can mind-scan you through _twenty feet of lead_ , Steve! Those things just make you look ridiculous!"

Steve shakes his head. "Nah-ah. That's what they _want_ you to believe. It's all government propaganda, Cecil, and you've fallen for it, and they're probably reading _your_ thoughts all the time…"

"Do you lot need an intervention?" comes another voice.

And Chell vaults down into the room from the gantryways above, landing in an easy crouch close by and staring around appraisingly as she straightens up. "Well," she says. "You certainly did a number on this place. I guess the plan worked?"

"It did," Cecil says, allowing himself a small grin – and feeling glad for the interruption. "You got here just in time."

Chell headtilts up at the ceiling. "Well, this facility is a bit tricky to navigate. It's like Aperture but with even more deathtraps, and that's time-consuming to get through – especially with one portal gun and one Steve to worry about."

"Hey!" Steve interjects, again. "I was helpful!"

Chell gives him a flat look. "Only for the five minutes when you accidentally knocked yourself unconscious," she replies.

"I didn't expect that cube to fall on me so fast!"

"What, so somehow the laws of physics can just _change_ because you're not expecting them?"

" _Guys_ , get a room!" Mish interjects, making her way over and stopping to stare at Chell.

Chell puts her hands on her hips. "We do _not_ need a room, we need… wow. OK. Wow. You're… you're me."

Mish grins. "Yep. And you're me."

"That's kinda cool."

"It's kinda _awesome_."

"And _terribly_ confusing," DORiS chips in. "One of you is quite enough."

"Can we all stop being unnecessarily cute and focus for a moment?!" Kevin cuts in. His normally unflappable exterior is very much flapped, and he looks just about ready to jump up and down in rage. "You blew up my machine! You destroyed _years_ of work!"

"Yep," Carlos says, grinning, and Cecil can't help doing the same. The relief is so overwhelming – both at having saved Night Vale, and at having survived the experience.

"I swear, if I wasn't already at my weekly limit for demon summonings, you would all be facing down Azatothoth the Bloodthirsty right now!" Kevin exclaims.

"Well… good thing for us you didn't think to save one for emergencies," Cecil points out, suppressing a shudder.

There's a metallic clunk from above and DORiS speaks, her voice suddenly back to normal. " _Oh_ , that's much better," she says. "I've got main power online again. Such a relief… though I do now have quite a craving for lemonade, which is weird because I don't drink…"

"Uh, Dee?" Mish says. "Rambling?"

"Hmm? Oh, sorry, I'm still getting used to having all my functionality back," DORiS replies. "I must admit, though, it does look like much of the west coast is still blacked out, both of your towns included. Sorry about that. But it's just a temporary overload. I'm sure they'll get it all fixed before too long."

"Let's hope so," Steve cuts in. "My internet-monitoring algorithms are going to miss _tonnes_ of stuff in the interim and it could be crucial to my ongoing investigations!"

No one says anything in response to this – not even Cecil – and Steve seems rather put-out.

"…Well, what happens now?" Carlos asks, after the awkward moment has passed. He looks at Kevin. "You're not going to try to kill us again, are you?"

"I didn't try to kill you the first time!" Kevin insists, clearly a little insulted and yet still – _still_! – terribly drawn. "I just wanted to improve your lives immensely! It was an act of generosity!"

"It was an act of insanity," Cecil says, and Kevin looks almost as sulky as Steve.

"Fine," he concedes, after a pause. "Fine. And no, I won't try to kill you. I told you, I'm out of demon summonings for the week. And… and, you know…"

Cecil looks at him questioningly, and regrets it when Kevin takes the hint and carries on.

"…and I'd miss you if you were rent limb from limb and used to slake the thirst of an immortal beast of unimaginable power…"

"TMI," Mish insists. "Way, way TMI."

Before Cecil can respond to this, there's a buzzing, and everyone looks at him. "Oh… that's my phone again," he says. "Uh… sorry, one second."

He pulls it out, clicks it onto speaker, and then takes the call. "Cecil?!" comes GLaDOS' voice, clearly more than a little frantic. "Please tell me you're not dead."

"I'm… not dead…" he says.

"Yes, yes, lovely, but what about the rest of you? Where's Chell?!"

"I'm right here," she replies, with a little grin. "And I'm fine. We're all fine."

"Oh, thank goodness," GLaDOS says, relaxing at once. "All the power cut out and I got the backup systems online just in time to pick up a massive energy burst from across your way."

"That was the miniature black hole," Carlos says. "And a vial of teslonium."

"Teslonium?"

"Yeah, it's a new element I discovered. I named it after one of my favourite scientists. Tesla."

"You could have named it after me!" GLaDOS points out, sounding a little hurt. "I'm a scientist!"

"Yes, but you've tried to kill me on numerous occasions," Carlos replies, calmly. "And Tesla hasn't."

"Only because he's been dead for seventy years!" GLaDOS replies.

"Guys, seriously!" Mish exclaims.

"…Wait, who's that?" GLaDOS asks.

"Oh, that's Mish," says Chell. "She's my double."

"I'm still not at all happy about there being _two_ of you," GLaDOS says. "One is trouble enough."

"Tell me about it," DORiS agrees. "If nothing else, they're disturbingly alike and I'm worried about what they'll do to science if they team up."

"Ooh, we should try that," Mish says, bouncing on her heels and looking at Chell.

"We really should," Chell agrees, grinning.

"You should come meet Angsty!"

"Angsty?"

"Angsty! My Angst Cube!"

"…The Companion Cube has a double?"

"Oh yeah," Cecil says. "But don't touch it. It's less friendly."

Mish makes a dismissive sound and waves a hand. "Nah, Angsty's cool. So its double is called a Companion Cube?"

"Yeah," Chell answers. "I have one, but I have to hide it a lot of the time because GLaDOS frequently tries to set it on fire."

"I _know_ , right?!" Mish exclaims. "DORiS is _always_ borrowing mine. And I'm like, _stop borrowing Angsty!_ And she's all _but it's just a Black Mesa Weighted Angst Cube_. She just doesn't _get it_."

They link arms and wander off through the rubble, still chatting away. Cecil, Carlos, Kevin and Steve watch them go.

"…Is anyone else alarmed by that?" Carlos asks, after a moment.

"A little," Cecil admits. "Should they be so alike?"

"Well _I_ think it's cute," Steve cuts in, though Cecil is sure he's just doing it to be contrary.

There's another awkward pause.

"…So," Cecil says, finally. "What happens now?"

"Well, you broke the Augmentor and obliterated my miniature black hole," Kevin replies, still looking a little sullen. "So I guess that's that."

"You kinda had it coming," Carlos points out, which only makes Kevin pout at him.

"We should probably get out of this insane place," Cecil says. "I mean, DORiS will likely keep trying to kill us…"

"…You know I'm still here, right?" comes GLaDOS' voice, from Cecil's phone.

"Oh, sorry," Cecil replies, realising he's been a little distracted.

"I should point out that if you even think about trying to get back into _my_ facility…"

"Yes, we know," Carlos interrupts. "Fire and deadly lasers."

"Very good," GLaDOS replies, dryly. "And I've been working on a new thing that will cause all of your molecules to disintegrate…"

"Hey, we should swap notes sometime!" Carlos exclaims.

"Uh, Carlos…" Cecil interjects, looking slightly worried.

"Oh… ah… sorry. I mean… molecular disintegration, that's just _terrible_ …"

"And will one of you make sure Chell knows not to spend too long fraternising with that Black Mesa girl..?"

"Hey!" Chell interrupts, from up on the gantry, where she and Mish are sitting side-by-side with the Angst Cube. "I'm just being friendly! Besides, Mish says you and DORiS already hit it off."

"Shush!" GLaDOS replies. "That was for science!"

"Well, this is for science!"

"…Fine," GLaDOS concedes. "Fine. But you better not be out too late, young lady!"

"I miss you already, Gee," Chell calls, and then glances at Mish. "You're right, that _is_ a cute name…"

GLaDOS hangs up without another word.

"So," DORiS says, brightly. "How would you four gentlemen like to try my brand new exit route? There's just a few little test chambers and then, before you know it, you'll be back on the surface and off to wherever it is you go when you're not destroying decades of the most complex scientific research ever attempted…"

"Oh, I am _not_ escaping with this lot!" Steve replies, taking a step back. "They're all insane!"

Cecil glowers at him. "…You're the one wearing a tinfoil hat, _Steve Carlsberg_!"

Steve returns the look. "Well, at least the government isn't privy to my every thought, _Cecil Palmer_!"

"Could you two at least _try_ to get along?" Kevin implores, having apparently recovered enough to return to sickly-sweet mode with only a slight homicidal edge.

"I've changed my mind," DORiS cuts in, sounding resigned. "I'll call you a direct escape elevator. I can't take another second of this. I just want you gone."

***

And so, moments later, the doors to the escape elevator slide open and the four men step out into the dark desert. It really _is_ dark, too, due to the ongoing blackout in both Night Vale and Desert Bluffs. Carlos – ever-prepared – pulls out a flashlight and clicks it on.

Steve gestures off beyond an outcrop of rocks. "I guess you guys are going to want a ride?" he says, tone still sullen.

"…If you don't mind," Cecil says, managing to be civil because it's rather a long way back to Night Vale and he doesn't relish the thought of walking it.

"I'm parked up that way too," Kevin adds. "So I'll tag along, if that's OK?"

"Sure, why the heck not?" Steve agrees, with a shrug. "The more, the merrier." He falls into step beside Kevin, just ahead of Carlos and Cecil, as they all start walking back towards Steve's car.

"You know, much as you did destroy decades of irreplaceable research, that was a pretty neat move back there," Kevin says to Steve, sticking his hands in his pockets as they walk. "I mean, if I wasn't enraged beyond the capacity of words to convey, I'd be impressed. The way you threw that teslonium, it was just so… _dynamic_."

"Well… thanks," Steve manages, looking sideways at Kevin in surprise. "I must say, you're a lot less scary than I thought you'd be."

"Oh, Steve, I'm not scary at all," Kevin insists.

"…Kevin, please, I get your radio station too," Steve points out. "And I'm part-Desert Bluffs. I know that town of yours is drenched in blood and viscera."

"So? That's no reason to hate on us. We have so many pony-petting stations!"

"And are the ponies actually alive?"

"Sometimes they are!"

"Precisely my point," Steve replies, dryly.

They walk in silence for a moment – Cecil and Carlos exchanging a look but not daring to say a word when they realise what's going on in front of them.

"…So… I was wondering," Kevin begins, finally, as if he's been psyching himself up to it. "Do you maybe want to get coffee sometime? I mean, it's cool if you don't want to, but I just had to ask in case…"

"Oh… sure," Steve agrees, rather brighter than seems sensible. "So long as, you know, we can go somewhere with less blood."

"I know just the place," Kevin tells him, smiling.

"…Are you as scared as me right now?" Carlos whispers to Cecil.

"Yes," Cecil whispers back. "But if it stops him hitting on you all the time, I won't argue."

"Good point."

They make it back to Steve's car and clamber in – Cecil and Carlos in the back, and Kevin in the front passenger seat beside Steve. And it is, without a doubt, the most awkward drive Cecil can remember being on since the infamous Broadcast Station Picnic of 2005. No one really talks, but Kevin keeps throwing weird little glances over at Steve, who still seems far less alarmed by the attention than any sane person should be and spends a lot of his time tapping at the weird dials on his dashboard, and occasionally glancing back at Kevin when he thinks the other man isn't looking.

It's no small mercy when they finally leave Route 800 again and head out into the desert, eventually arriving at the spot where Cecil's car is still parked. The lone metal shack has – of course – vanished, but a little way beyond it – where it would have been hidden by the sandstorm earlier on – is a second car, identical to Cecil's in every way except that it's black.

"Well, here you go," Steve says. "Don't say I never do anything for you. Oh, and Cecil… if you talk about this on the show tomorrow, I don't want you using my real name. Just call me… Witness X or something. I get enough flack from the government as it is."

"…So you keep insisting," Cecil replies, as he and Carlos clamber out of the back of the car.

"And you," Steve adds, looking at Kevin. "…Call me?"

Kevin claps a hand to his own chest. "I will," he promises, and gets out of the car too, standing and waving as Steve drives off in a swirl of sand.

"Well, this has been fun," he says, finally, turning back to Cecil and Carlos. "And hey, if you guys ever want to do coffee too…"

"…Don't push your luck, Kevin," Cecil replies, before the man can get any worse.

Kevin shrugs. "Can't blame a guy for trying." He gets into his own car and gives them a little wave – and then heads off too, back towards the road.

Leaving Cecil and Carlos alone at last.

"…I don't even know where to begin," Carlos manages, after they've stood staring at the rapidly-retreating car for several moments.

"Maybe best not to," Cecil replies, gripping his boyfriend's hand. "I think… perhaps… we should just go home. And stay there."

"Yeah," Carlos agrees. "I'll tell you what, though: I could really go for some more of that cake."

And Cecil smiles. "Sounds like a plan to me."

***

They head back into Night Vale and over to Cecil's place once more. The Companion Cube – very relieved to see them both OK – is restored to its usual place in the closet, and then they sit down to indulge in some more cake by the light of a dozen or so candles that Cecil dots around the room, because all the power is still off.

"You know what gets me?" Carlos says, when they're done. "The cake."

"The cake?"

"Yeah. I mean… I was sure it had to have something to do with all this, but… it didn't."

"It's Cookery Week, Carlos," Cecil points out.

"I know, but… I kept waiting for it to be relevant and it never was!"

Cecil smiles. "You really are getting your head around how this place works," he says, warmly. "But sometimes… a cake is just a cake."

"I guess so. Are you going to try explaining all this on the show tomorrow?"

"Bits of it, at least," Cecil replies. "I'm not sure how much I should reveal, though. I don't want to cause a panic… and I reckon the City Council probably won't want some of it getting out."

"We did save the whole town though. And possibly the world." Carlos grins. "We make a pretty good team."

"We really do. And hey, you almost got your wish to see me fighting my double not to the death."

"Yeah," Carlos says, a little wistfully. "You weren't shirtless, though. Probably for the best. It would only have made Kevin worse."

"And he was quite bad enough," Cecil replies.

"Although," Carlos goes on, leaning in and walking fingertips up Cecil's arm, "you're _really_ hot when you get all possessive."

Cecil grins, rising to his feet and pulling Carlos up too, dragging him in close. "Well, then," he says, "maybe I should try it again. You know… for science."

And Carlos smiles back at him. "Yes," he agrees, wholeheartedly. "For science."


End file.
